wet

Dear Neighbor Lady Rinsing off her car on her driveway as I leave the house to walk the dogs at 6:20 am:

Um, I'm all for washing your car and stuff, but it's currently raining.
Like- I have a hat and a raincoat on, and one of my dogs is freaking out- Raining.
When the water is falling from the sky, there's not a lot of need to also crack out the hose.
it seems counter-productive. And wasteful. and just plan weird.

privacy

Dear Dude in the newly shared kitchen space at work:

You are speaking chinese on your phone, and I am white girl with purple hair, you REALLY don't need to move across the room to get more privacy when I come in to fill my water cup.
Honestly, chances of me speaking chinese AND caring about what your saying..... pretty much Zero.
Relax dude.

smooth

Dear Ladies in the locker room at my gym.... again......:

I understand that we are using this locker room to shower up after a workout, and therefore you will want to do things that you would do at home in your own bathroom. I think we all need to agree that some of these things should ONLY happen at home in your own bathroom. They should not be done in a semi public place where other people have to bear witness.

For example lotioning your entire body

Including your ass

ALL of your ass.

I really, really, really can not express to you how much I did not need to know that people do that, much less witness it. Please, just save that one for more private moments.

Private moments with your private parts. I don't think it's too much to ask.

thank you

slow groove

Dear Lady doing a slow groove to the generic adult contemporary tunes on the take out line in the restaurant:

The level of swaying you're doing makes me think things about you that I would wager you're not intending. You might want to realize whats going on around you just a smidge more......

Oh and, BTW, tapping your foot along with a Kenny Loggins tune just seems a bit much.

literacy

Dear 2 Dudes and 1 Lady standing in the back of a restaurant waiting to be seated:

There is a sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU with very large bold writing on it explaining that you need to go to the OTHER side of the restaurant to be seated.

Like seriously DEAD in front of you

Maybe a foot away.

You'll have to stop yakking long enough to look around, which is seems like could take a half hour at the rate your going.

When that time does come I hope you feel stupid. 'Cause you are being stupid right now.

halloween

Dear World-

I feel the need to inform you I finally found the most disturbing halloween costume ever. Granted, someone else had created it, but I saw it, took note and am reporting it, so therefore I get the credit.

This grown man was wearing a full rabbit suit (with giant head), with a robotic baby in a sling across his chest- baby was facing him. The robo-baby kicked and swung it's head around while the rabbit's mouth grazed it's head. Sorta like the Rabbit was gonna eat it's own human baby.

Picture it

No, really, think about it and conjure up a picture.




And the next 3 nights when you can't sleep due to not being able to shake that picture- that's my fault.

Sorry. I just couldn't be alone with it.

Happy Halloween,

me

sigghhhhhh......

Dear Lady in the rest room who clearly isn't having the best day:

In the amount of time it took me to wash my hands, I heard you sigh HEAVILY 4 times. It is 10:45 am. We work at jobs where we make cartoons. It just CAN'T be that bad.

Or just a day off.

'Cause the Automatic towel dispenser is really not that upsetting. It just isn't.

signage

Um... guys......

touristy

Dear Ladies who are in the middle age and decide for vacation they're loosen up and wear capri pants (usually the wrong length) with white sneakers:

Please, PLEASE, make it stop.
I know you're on vacation- you know how? Because you're wearing the middle aged lady vacation outfit- more casual then slacks, but less revealing then shorts. Shoes that show you're willing to walk places.
Here's the truth- this situation makes you look heavier, older and less likely to do anything really fun or interesting while you're here.
Let's either brave the shorts, or go for a long skirt, shall we? break out of the mold ladies- Prove you're not a victim to societies judgements. Allow your legs to look their normal length and size. be Brave.

Snarks a lot

Dear Lady telemarketer who was super snarky with me after I listened and then declined the  offer politely and civilly:

You suck. You make it so everyone hates people in your industry. Now, I'm going to be totally rude to the next person I mistakenly answer the phone for. I will now laugh loudly and hang up on them mid-sentence. You have done this to whoever that person is with your rudeness and inability to just accept your verbal fate after my declining your offer 5 times.

Way to go ass hat.

Cleveage

Dear Ladies Everywhere:

If you're breasts are larger then a modest B cup - ALWAYS use some sort of foundation garment. Always. If your top is SO low cut that you can't, then you do NOT wear that. Ever.
Quite frankly, no one wants to see cleavage that is so low and revealing that I can see your stomach thru your boobs.
That's not a good look, and makes your boobs look older- which seems weird, but its true. It's just nasty.

The moral here: Keep the girls up and supported where they belong, not where nature is taking them. You'll thank me.

bat-hybrid

Dear whomever was driving thru Burbank in this car:

I think i know your secret
You're totally Batman
And you're concerned with the environment.

I approve both of these things.
Continue on about your business.

gassy

Dear Lady walking a basset hound AND a bulldog in the sunrise hours:

I can not even imagine the amount of snorting, drooling, farting, snoring, and laying around that is done at your house.... it must be like a cartoon in there.

kia

Dear 2 Hassidic jew dudes stuffed into a Kia Soul:

For some reason this is NOT the car I pictured for you..... It just seems undignified somehow.....

jaywalking

Dear Dude who is jaywalking, but took the time to wave me along, giving me permission to drive past him.... legally....:

Yeah, thanks, I got it.
But thanks for helping me to do what i was going to do anyway....

gender confusion

Dear Dude walking behind me at lunch the other day who said (and I am quoting here) " I like 'em hot and dumb. No Rocket scientists" and then went on to discuss what it is Stylists actually DO:

I'm confused.
You started out like a complete misogynist, but then moved onto a traditionally female topic with authority.
That is very... confusing.
And maybe self- hateful?
just a thought....

choices

Dear Dude driving the BRIGHT orange Porsche Carrera:

Seriously?

A classy car like that and you decided to go Crayola with it?

Ugh.

Nat Geo

Dear Ladies of a certain age in the gym locker room:

I know that by the time you get to an age where the Boobs start to become Nat Geo like in their location and swing that you are also at an age where you don't give a shit about walking around naked in the locker room for extended periods of time. The things is, there are those of us that are still in denial as to what time will do to us eventually. You walking around for 15 minutes straight, naked, and pendulous is a reality check.... I don't need that. I'm already at the gym fighting genetics and time. Can't you help a sister out and just towel it up and let me believe that I MIGHT win this fight??

Please?

harumph

Dear Lady in the locker room shower area at the gym:

Whatever you did must have been WAY too hard for you, since it seems like every time you move ANY part of your body you need to breathe heavily with a slight groan. I'm just in here trying to be presentable to go back to work, but you sound like just the act of walking is SOOO HARD. Maybe we should tone down the workout? Orrrr.... more likely, kick it up a notch, as walking should not be this labored.

choices

Dear Dude driving the BRIGHT orange Porsche Carrera:

Seriously?

A classy car like that and you decided to go Crayola with it?

Ugh.

creativity

Dear Dude and Lady- married couple- who decided to get into a fight during the "fun" ceramics class they decided to take together:

Nothing helps an environment be enjoyable and relaxing quite like 2 people throwing child-like hissy fits and giving silent treatments...

oh wait

I'm wrong. You're ruining everything.

The stern hushed arguing at the edge of the room... That's not helping either.

The 2 other married couples in the class have each taken turns thanking their spouses for not behaving that way, so maybe this is a weird form of marriage counseling?

Either way, it's not making my bowls less crooked, so can you just go home to fight it out?

sense

Dear Dude who is driving around with a totally crushed in back end and just cut me off in traffic:

It all makes sense to me. It should to you as well.

The one begets the other

Stupid choices begets a barely drivable car.

Just food for thought

D- bag

bonus

Dear very well built dude who gave me the "hey baby"grin and head nod not once , but twice, while I was at the gym today:

Hi there.

How you doin?

You must work out a lot cause you look like you do.

That's a nice smile you have too. But you know that. You must know that.

Oh, yeah, I'm married. Happily. Gratefully. No-chance-of-changing-that-ully.

But thanks, you just turned my day around. See ya around the gym.

danger

Dear Lady "walking" her dog by using roller blades:

Your dog appears to be maybe 5 months old, and a lab. You have taken a giant trusting leap by letting him control your speed and direction like this. Chances are very good he will veer off course in a rapid manner and kill you both.

Meanwhile, it looks like fun.

mascara

Dear Lady in the theatre restroom talking to her (probably) 11 yr old grand daughter about her Mascara... the 11 yr old's mascara..... The 11 yr old was WEARING MASCARA. On a THURSDAY NIGHT. Going to see a play about being accepted for who you are, AS YOU ARE.

Right, sorry, back on track

Dear Lady talking to her granddaughter about mascara-

Teasing her by saying her mascara is running, which chances are slim she even really understands what that means, and laughing when she panics about it is going to turn her into the kind of person who can't go the mailbox without makeup on.

When that day comes, and you wonder why she's like that when she's such a pretty girl- Look back on this day, and know you did it. Yep, all your fault. Way to go grandma, hope the giggle was worth it.

nope

Dear Everyone-

Here is a list of things NOT to say to someone who has done a dramatic hair change since you last saw them:

-"Wow. Why'd you do that?"

-"OH, you did it like (another person you both know)- that's nice"

-"Didn't want to do the rest of it?"

-"Thats different."

-"wow. Interesting. I'm surprised you did that"

-"so i figured we'd just- HOLY CRAP WHAT'D YOU DO TO YOUR HEAD?"

All of these mean "Holy Shit! You've lost your mind" which is just your opinion.

If you can't say something supportive, just pretend you didn't notice.

Although, how you didn't notice such a drastic change also makes you look like a total idiot, so it's kind of a lose- lose situation.

hair

Dear ladies in my life who I appreciate and love-

As we get older, if you get a grandma haircut, I'm gonna call you out on it.

Seriously.

I will not allow that shit.

Dear ladies in my life who do not fit this column-

Go ahead, cut your hair into a helmet like style that doesn't move ever.

It looks good on you.