Holiday Break

I'm taking a holiday break from bitter letters to the world.

Don't worry- I'll still write them in my head, so there will be a stock saved up when I get back from winter travels. I'm sure winter travels will provide ample material....

I wish you all a happy whatever and a safe New Year!

-seaweed

blinkers- pt 2

Dear Dude behind me and one lane over:

My blinker coming on is not my way of saying "hey, you, there's this big open space right there, you should speed up and get into it before someone else does"

My blinker is my way of saying "I plan on moving my car into the space right there in a short time frame. I wanted you to know so you don't smack into me as I make this transition"

I tell you this because it would seem you thought the first thing was true. But it's not. So don't be a douche and speed up when you see me wanting to change lanes. 'Cause someday I'm gonna stop caring about my car and just smack into you. And laugh.

handshake

Dear 3 dudes who greet each other with some sort of bizarro secret handshake that involves fist bumping as well as some sort of head move and other weird gestures:

You are grown ass men- well past the age of 21- that's just lame.

subaru

Dear Dude in the suped up Subaru in the next lane this morning:

It kinda doesn't matter how many flashy rims, spoilers, tinted windows, and low riding paraphernalia you put on your car- it is still a Subaru honey.

noise

Dear little old Lady in the locker room who burps really loud and repeatedly, groans every 3 seconds, does loud breathing/sniffling sounds, shakes out a plastic bag for a good 30 seconds straight, turn the hair dryer on and off 3 times trying to figure it out, and made sneezing sound like a sexual experience:

The poll is complete- you are officially the noisiest person in the mid- wilshire district.

Congratulations

baby?

Dear Lady in the passenger seat of the car behind me this morning, who had something bundled up in her arms, which moved, but was so covered up I couldn't see what it was:

If that was a baby- that is an incredibly unsafe way for the baby to be traveling

If that was a pet- that is an incredibly weird way for the pet to be traveling

Either way- you might want to rethink it.

FEEDBACK

Looking for some feedback on the blog-

People still reading?

what kinds of posts do you prefer- Mean, silly, silly and mean?

how often do you check in, and would that change if posting happened at a different rate?

let me know where you're at with this so i can make things better- if that is even possible

-Seaweed

drunk

Dear Drunk Dude who was staggering around, into and out of traffic, at 6:30 pm on a Tuesday night, on a poorly lit road with many fast moving cars on it:

You need help.

tune

Dear Lady to the left of me, and Dude to the right, on the ellipticals at the gym this afternoon:

Singing along to your iPod is not something we do in public, especially not to match the volume we hear thru the ear buds (LOUD) and not if our singing voices are really truly terrible. The reason we don't do this if because it is really troublesome to those around us. Because there are more people on the world, and in this room, then one.

And by "we" in the above statement, I mean YOU. Both of you. Seriously.

You're both terrible singers listening to terrible music.

Shut.

Up.

indicator

Dear Dude in the Black Benz in front of me, behind me, in front of me, this morning:

Every car come equipped with indicator lights. Some people call them blinkers. Their sole purpose in existence is to HELP you and the cars around you. You use them to show people where you intend to go, so they can expect you before you slam your car into their lane. Thus preventing accidents.

There's usually a little knob or stick you can use to turn these indicators on when appropriate- BEFORE YOU CHANGE LANES with less then 5 feet to go between you and the car in the other lane.

Take a moment, find that, pledge to use it in the future.

Douche.

lips

Dear Lady in the Lexus behind me in traffic this morning- moving traffic, mind you:

There is no Humanly possible way it takes that long to put on lipstick. It just doesn't. Trust me, I've done it a time or two in my life, and it takes like 4 seconds total. I have no idea how you made it into a sport, but it doesn't look any better on you for it.

jerky

Dear Dude in his mid- twenties, with greasy thinning hair and a really accomplished beer gut:

The stained clothes and beef jerky stick is not helping this situation at all. Not at all.

running

Dear small dog running up Beverly Blvd at night on his own:

Please don't run into the street just to get away from me, I'm trying to help you. Crazy mutt.

clown

Dear 17 year old Dude who mocked his girlfriend's manner of speech by clownishly imitating the way she had said something:

If you want to get some from her, ever, Don't. Do. That.

smoke

Dear Lady/2 Dudes standing by side of road with a sign that read "we're FUCKED please help" :

You get points for creativity, but it still sorta looks like any money you get is smoked, snorted or injected, so I have to say No to that one.

wrong side

Dear Lady who drove a white jeep in front of me in traffic today, only with the driver on the wrong side of the car- you know, for being in America and all:

You totally messed with my head for like a half mile.

warning

Dear Whoever it is who has to write the warning labels on household products to make sure people don't do something stupid and die, IE the hot coffee carafe/container that warns you (among other things) to not hold said item above someone else's head- for fear you will drop it on them:

I'm sorry your job is making it harder for natural selection to do it's job.

I'm also sorry your job requires you to figure out what's the most idiotic thing a person could do with any given item and then warn them not to do it- cause that sounds really boring.

staring

Dear 3 store employees who gathered together (during a busy time, with a LOT of other customers nearby) to stare at a girl in a WAY too short skirt. Blatantly:

Subtlety is clearly not in the employee handbook, but it's still a good idea. Especially when I, a woman, can HEAR you and your really lame comments.

groovy

Dear Lady who found a way to totally groove out at a concert, with out knocking into everyone around her:

Good use of space.

robe

Dear older Dude who stands on his front stoop in his bathrobe and critically watches the landscaping guys take care of his lawn once a week, as if he's concerned they are going to steal something:

relax dude- they're just mowing the lawn

and, really, put on some pants.

sweet

Dear whoever was driving the Mini Cooper with the plates the read PXAPNCH:

You get my award for most awesome license plate ever

creepy

Dear Dude with the Die Hard villain hair who kept looking around him really slowly and pointedly:

Your

Creepy

cell phone

Dear Lady standing behind me at the ATM on her cell phone:

Any conversation that involves the statement "So I'm laying on the bench, and he's got the plastic gloves on..." should not be had, loudly, in a public forum. For instance- while on line for the ATM. That's NOT the time to talk about that. 

Just a tip.

(although I did kinda want to hear what happened next, I have to admit)

shoes

Dear Dude working the shoe dept. in Sports Authority, who, after getting in the way about 5 times and staring at women who said they didn't need any help, started hitting on one (very good looking, granted) lucky lady with lines like "well, if I was running from you, I'd want the worst shoes so you could catch me":

Don't do that.

Really, besides being really unprofessional, it is just flat out creepy.

Very, very creepy.

glam

Dear Lady (i sincerely hope) who drives the gold HHR with the plates "GLAMWGN":

I have seen you on both my evening and morning commute in the same section of road. That's weird.

cross

Dear Dude who made it halfway across the intersection, then turned back, then literally spun in a circle reading street signs, then stood for 2 minutes looking very contemplative, then crossed the street again- making it all the way this time- then stood on the opposite corner looking confused:

Dude

Whats, uh, going on there?

leaving home

Dear Ladies in the Locker room at my gym:

You're not at home. It's nice you're all comfortable in your own skin and stuff, but you are NOT in your home. That means there is a certain level of personal hygiene you should not be practicing here- you do that at home. Which is not where you are now. So, maybe, you could think about that fact that I (or someone else) is 8 feet away from you and your naked self while you are doing that, and maybe not do it. I'm pretty sure that if you're going to this gym you can afford a home that has a bathroom in it. You could go ahead and do that there. 

Because it is unsettling that you are doing it here.

Please? 

pits

Dear Couple who had their GORGEOUS pit bulls in the back of their top-down convertible sniffing away and just loving life:

Thank you.

You saved me from a serious case of road rage.

Who can be mad looking at those beauties just enjoying life like that?

limits

Dear Lady in the Gold hatchback:

I just spent an hour going 5 miles, changed tactics to try and get home faster, only to get behind you and find that while you have an open lane in front of you, you have decided to go literally HALF the speed limit through a congested area, while being passed so quickly and often that I can not change lanes to get around you.

This makes you a total ass.

private

Dear Dude and Chick who were literally going thru the movements of F-ing each other in front of us at the concert, under the guise of 'dancing':

Gross.

seating

Dear Dude who decided to number the seats in the Rose Bowl so that Section 7 seat 20 and Section 6 seat 120 were directly next to each other with absolutely no way of telling them apart, confusing everyone in a 8 seat, 3 row radius:

You're a D-bag.

troll

Dear Dude in the classic car, all customized out with Troll Doll paraphernalia, including license plates and a minimum of 9 dolls on display:

I.......

there's.........

There are no words for this

 

needles

Dear Lady waiting for over an hour with the rest of us for her flu shot, who felt the need to start getting really cranky with the Guy who had just showed up minutes ago and was trying to get things organized:

Look, I'm no more excited about any of this then you are, but talking to that grown man like he's a stupid child is not getting any of us out of here faster.

And it's just annoying.

red rocks

Dear Dude at the Hollywood bowl (open air concert venue- very historic, very nice, very clean, very accessible to the masses) who kept saying "Red Rocks was SO much better. I don't get it with this place. It's so overhyped. This is no Red Rocks." to his fur coat/stacked heel wearing prissy girlfriend/ date person:

OK, fine, if that's how you feel, but do they let you talk full volume through 90% of the event at Red Rocks? I don't think so.

So SHUT IT!

flail

Dear Lady flapping her arms about like a muppet (elbows way out, wrists limp and up, shoulders forward) while running:

You look a mess, and you have got to be exhausted from all that flailing

tutu

Dear Lady wearing the bright pink tutu, zebra print top and lace tights at 9am on a Monday, walking around Hollywood:

Not sure if I love or hate the outfit, but I admire the hell out of the person bold enough to wear it.

calamity

Dear Dad who stopped paying attention to his 3 yr old son who had tried 2x in 2 minutes to run into traffic, just long enough for the child to ACTUALLY run into traffic:

I hope you both pissed your pants

AND

Dear Driver who responded with cat-like reflexes to avoid said child running in front of his car with little to no warning:

Really glad you went for the german engineering when you bought your car.

rain

Dear Dude driving home in front of me last night:

I know seeing the lane markers can be hard in the rain- but just putting your car dead center and driving slow is NOT the answer.

That shit's just dangerous.

parallel

Dear Dude blocking my lane in order to parallel park:

You made it in one fluid movement- Gold star for you!

stencils

Dear Dude who thought a Stencil Lettered hand painted sign would look professional enough for the front of the "technical college":

No

Wrong

Very, very wrong

pants

Dear Dude with the Sideshow Bob hair and the pants that won't stay on your ass:

Chicks dig a really dirty looking dude with a beer gut.

No, really.

center line

Dear Dude running up the center of the road:

Are you trying to get fit, or get hit?

I remain unclear.

booth

Dear Lady who's son was doing cartwheels, un-reprimanded,  ON the booth at the restaurant- a shared booth where many tables were lined up next to each other, making it so that 3-4 couples asked NOT to be seated at the next table because they didn't want to be kicked in the head while dining:

I know having kids is hard work and people get tired and all, but that is NOT acceptable. Ever.

AND

Dear Lady hostess at said restaurant who repeatedly tried to seat people next to insane child, and never said anything to above mentioned mother about maybe controlling insane child:

Wow. really? The elderly couple? really? he's doing CARTWHEELS on the BOOTH seat. REPEATEDLY.

really?

heartbreak

Dear 4 legged Dude who made my life so much more entertaining and worthwhile for the past (almost) 9 years:

nothing will be the same without you

my heart is broken

wind

Dear Dude/ Lady who decided that in the most recent Pepto commercial the 'competition' anti-acid should be called "wind jammers":

Brilliant

picker

Dear Older Dude in the convertible Benz behind me in traffic this morning, who I watched, via my rear view mirror, really go digging for gold up his nose, then proceed to immediately put that same finger in his mouth- yes, he picked it and licked it:

Thank you for reminding me that there is no end to the hilarity provided by total strangers in life.

(if you look really closely in this picture, I think he's going for round 2)

chivas

Dear Mini Chivas Dude at the soccer game (in the lower left of the picture):

Watching you evolve from a very quiet observer in the first half, to a sugar high crazy person (post soda and churro) in the second half made this the best game ever

gold

Dear Dude wearing the gold embroidered skinny jeans:

I'm pretty sure those are lady pants....

lanes

Dear Lady in the Mercedes who straddled two lanes, drifted out of her lane totally, then proceeded to drive 25 mph in a 40 mph zone:

I hate you

mixed needs

Dear Dude who thought that mixing the retail of Soccer apparel and service of tattoo art into one convenient location was a guaranteed money maker:

No.

Just, No.

For so many reasons

vote

Dear Dude/ Judge who told a room full of Jury Service candidates that our votes didn't count in the last Presidential election ("but they do count here!"):

Way to ruin years of PR getting people to vote in one sentence.

drift

Dear the 7 cars who either drifted over the white in to my lane, or turned right from the left lane directly in front of me in a 24 hr period:

Suck it A-holes.

memories

Dear Dude with the "In Loving memory..." sticker in his rear car window:

What happens when you get a new car?

dark knight

Dear Batman:

Thank you for taking the bus to work yesterday. It made my day to see you acting "green" by using public transpo. You really are a hero.

hills

Dear Lady behind me ordering lunch, who said in a PERFECT "The Hills" accent- "eeeewwww, what a tool shed, ohmigawd":

You are a grown ass woman.

Don't make me slap you.

'chops

Dear Dude with the straggly muttonchops and full goatee- just 2 thin strips of skin away from a full beard:

Effort wise- wouldn't it be easier to just let it all grow in? 'Cause Viewing wise- this is kinda nasty.

jump

Dear Dude/ Lady who made it so there are episodes of 21 Jumpstreet on HULU:

You rock.

Seriously, you and little baby Johnny Depp have made my day.

yellow

Dear Dude desperately recreating Nicky Sixx's look for himself:

The battered bright yellow Sentra is kinda killing the effect.

slogan

Dear Dude/ Lady who wrote this slogan for a car dealership - AS much selection AS you could want:

I don't think that's THE emphasis you were going FOR.

You might want to rework that.

stinky

Dear Lady who spent a lunch hour working with a trainer at the gym, and then changed back into work clothes and went back to the office without showering:

Ew.

That's just rude.

rants

Dear Dude who decided he was the section cheer Leader for the LA Galaxy Superfan (or whatever) section at the game, and lead them all in potentially ethnically motivated chants against the other team:

Poor form.

bench

Dear older Lady at the gym who takes up an entire bench in the locker room with her bag of stuff, while sitting somewhere else doing FULL face and hair:

You suck.

garage

Dear Lady who got pulled over by a cop on the ramp down to our parking garage, letting all her co-workers see on their way in:

oooohhhhh You're in trouubbblllle

68

Dear Dude with the Frank Zappa Sideburns, combed out fro, lazy shuffle to his walk and sly logo shirt that was purposely aged to look vintage:

What worked in '68 does NOT work now.

Not all looks are timeless.

Take a shower.

walk

Dear Lady doing the afterwork walk "Working Girl" style in professional wear and sneakers:

The thing you're holding- That's a dog. It's probably the reason your out here walking. You can go ahead and put it down. They're made to do this stuff. It'll be ok.

frying pan

Dear Dude in the Gold Saturn:

The speed you are driving makes me want to smack you in the face with a frying pan, cartoon style.

register

Dear Target "lady" who had more makeup on then the section of the store provided, what I'm kinda hoping was a wig (albeit a higher quality one), and one of the oddest jawlines on a woman ever:

Subtlety is not so bad at 9am on a Tuesday. You might want to consider it. And good luck with your future surgical endeavors. 

tail

Dear older Dude with the (embellished/decorated) rat tail that's grown so long it was hitting the fold of your elbow:

Although I admire the tenacity it must have taken to grow that thing for like 20 years, I still want to grab it and hack it off with a rusty knife.

u scream

Dear Dude carrying an entire box of ice cream cones:

I don't know where you're headed, but can I come?

D's grandma

Dear Lady who always made me laugh and taught me what I wanted to be when I grew up- a fun loving crazy person who never stopped enjoying life:

You will be missed.

soccer pt 2

Dear Chicky who started the cross generational Smack talk in the bleachers against one of the "grown up"s:

Well done. 

soccer

Dear Dude one row behind me at the Galaxy game, and who apparently mistook me for one of the players on his daughter's AYSO team, (if the leaning over and yelling in my ear "watch the sweep, watch it" is any indicator):

Thank you

And screw you

hair

Dear Chicky (too young for lady) with hair grown long enough to hit the backs of your knees- about 10 inches longer then your skirt:

The Crystal Gayle look went out about 15 years before you were born- get a trim.

student film

Dear Lady who was being shot for what looked like a student film on Hollywood Blvd in wardrobe that looked like it was picked by Dexy's Midnight Runners:

Good job finding your light, and good job dealing with the overalls. That can't be easy.

spooky

Dear Dude walking down the long creepy hallway behind me as I proceed from one office to the other, with a drink in his hand:

The loud thud of each step mixed with the gasp after every sip of your drink just makes you sound like an oddly dehydrated villain in a bad horror flick.

BioDiesel

Dear Dude so proud of his veggie Bio Diesel engine that he has a website, and a sticker on his back window telling everyone about it:

Your argument would be more convincing if your muffler wasn't held up by weather stripping. I'm just sayin'. 

drive

Dear Lady who didn't even flinch, let alone slow down, when rolling bouncing road debris headed straight for her car, just hit it straight on: You drive pretty bad-ass for someone in a pastel green VW bug.

cars

Dear Dude in the white Sentra who ran 2 red lights (by making left hand turns) in 8 blocks in front of me last night: You are an ass. You deserve bad things like job loss and IRS audits. I hate you.

AND/OR

Dear Dude in the black Escalade who decided to make a left hand turn from the middle lane with no indicator light or warning almost causing a 6 car pile up: You are an ass. You deserve bad things like job loss and IRS audits. I hate you.

plane

Dear Dude one seat in front of me on the plane: If I can smell your cologne from here, you're wearing too much. Way. Too. Much.

And it begins

So, this started a while ago, and I hadn't done much with it until now, so here is the archive of all the Dear Dude or Dear Lady Entries from the past.

Look for new entries soon.

6/4/09- Dear 'dude' walking down Melrose last night: leather pants that look like the cow was sick before it died, and cowboy boots so worn they look more like elf shoes, with a bandana under your hat is NOT Rock & roll, it's just Dirty & skeevy.

 

6/10/09- Dear Dude standing/waiting at the light on Olive this morning: Just because everyone around you is in cars does NOT mean we can't see you doing a massive crotch adjust for like 20 seconds. Wait until you get inside for that. I beg of you. Because seeing that was horrifying, and made me wonder how that didn't hurt a little.

 

6/18/09- Dear 4 dudes in a Nissan Versa all in v-neck white t-shirts, oversized girly sunglasses, precisely manicured 5 o'clock shadow facial hair, carefully placed and product controlled 'just woke up' hair, grooving/head bobbing (simultaneously) to euro-synth club music, FULL volume at 10:30am in burbank: Really?

 

6/23/09- Dear Dude who delegated sign making/ hanging at his lamp store: the sign should NOT read "rod iron lightings & tables". That's not right.

 

6/25/09- Dear i-sincerely-hope-you're-not-a-dude in the Barbie Pink Acura with a UNICORN sticker on the back window: You frighten me. A lot.

 

6/29/09- overheard at the gym- Manager (MG) giving tour to prospective member (PM)== PM: why are the locks on the lockers, and not have people bring padlocks? MG: This is the more Upscale Way of doing things. Me: (silently, in awe) wow.

 

7/14/09- Dear Dude driving the Starline tours truck, and the FOUR other cars who all tried to hit me on the way in this morning: F you all you F-ers- look before you change lanes. F-ers.

 

7/15/09- (changing it up a little) Dear Lady walking her cat on a leash on the corner of Hollywood/ highland this morning: Stop that- the cat looks beyond terrified! And fat. That is one fat cat.

 

7/18/09- Dear Dudes and Ladies who ran for a cause this morning: well done. (not my usual, but totally deserved)

 

7/21/09- Dear Lady in the Gym locker room who feels the need to, at full volume, complain about having only lost 7 of the 10 lbs she gained, all while having a figure most of us would kill for: I may have to jump over these lockers and kill you. Nothing personal.

 

7/27/09- Dear Mini-Dude on the 3 hour early morning (and delayed) flight from Austin who taught me about gratitude: Your play by play announcements of the entire flight is one of the reasons people invented noise canceling headphones, for which I am grateful. Thank you headphone inventors for keeping me from smacking small children.

 

7/29/09- Dear White Dude with dreads down to the backs of his knees, who I saw walking in Hollywood tonight: The beer gut is really making the look. Really. Stick with that plan.

 

8/1/09- Dear Dude driving the 5series BMW in front of me thru Potomac: you have a precision engine. Driving it that slow is just criminal. I'm gonna have to take that.

 

8/3/09- Dear French Dude in the airport: France can't hear you from here, there's no need to be so loud. Seriously, take it down a notch.