make up

Dear Lady who is doing makeup in her car, AND picking a zit on her face during rush hour traffic:

You are a total mess, and need to spend more time in the bathroom mirror AT HOME.

And don't pick

you'll get a scar

Seriously

Stop it

tequila

Dear everyone who wasn't with me when this happened- I'm so sorry:

man walking his young kid in a stroller-

kid- I wanna go there (pointing)

dad- You like tequila bars?

kid- Yeah.

blitz

Dear middle Aged Dude in short sleeve dress shirt and glasses, driving a family style Ford Excursion, Blasting "Ballroom Blitz":

Rock On Dad.

Rock On.

slow the roll

Dear Dude riding his breaks while driving down a hill with no one in front of him:

The bike next to you is going faster- relax.

And get out of my way, I understand gravity, and do not fear it.

Idiot.

pecs

Dear Dude, strutting the "I've got big muscles" strut thru the gym wearing an epically sleeveless shirt:

First of all, when there's so little on the side of your shirt that its more of a tiny poncho, you might as well just not wear one.

Second of all, go ahead, take that shirt off..... you are one of the few people allowed. Because Sir, you have EARNED that strut with those pecs and abs....

I'm just sayin'.

yet

Dear Dude wearing the "i'm not Dead yet" Shirt in the gym the other day:

A more appropriate shirt has never been worn to a gym, ever.

scratchy

Dear hairy chest Dude sitting on the bench outside my office building at lunch today:

To start with a half buttoned shirt, and add to it a slow circular caressing of your man-boob area while on the phone is a recipe for a lot of queasy passerby. Seriously- either button it up so I can't wonder if you're wearing a toupee on your chest, or stop touching yourself. Whichever you do, it's gotta be better then what I just walked past.

overdue

Dear Dude driving the out of state Mazda:

You REALLY might want to check your registration... it seems just a smidge overdue.... Like 8 year or so.

How the hell have you been getting away with that one for so long?

smoke

Dear Lady rollerblading on the bike path at 6:45am:

Full on Smokey eye make up?

Really?

You got up extra early to do that before you went out to exercise?

There was NO better way to spend your time in the predawn hours?

like sleeping, or eating, or ANYTHING else....

You make me hate my own gender, just a little.

tied off

Dear Dude walking a Super prissy fluffy dog, and cleaning up the mess left behind by said dog:

Thanks for cleaning up, good job there, but could you tie off the bag? Otherwise you have an open bag of shit in the waste bin, and everyone who passes by gets to deal with that. I swear you won't get any on you by doing it. You can even use the only 2 fingers you currently are using to hold the bag.

You have the right dog though, that's pretty clear.

sensual

Dear Film school D-bag setting up a shot in my buildings courtyard:

Saying your "project has a lot of SENSUAL tension" does not make you sound like a legit director, or artist, or intellectual.

It makes you sound like a film school D-bag who has no friggin clue what he's talking about and will make life hell for anyone who hires him.

So, at least it's honest.

dressy

Dear Skinny Dude going for a run in knee length basketball shorts:

I admire you getting out there and getting the run done, but I have to say- the oversized nature of those shorts make it kinda look like you're running in a dress. Seriously- NO one is gonna look at that and go- "Oh- nice legs". All your gonna get is "is that a.... no, it can't be.... wait, maybe...."

Try going a couple sizes down.

Just a thought.

cream

Dear lady at the airport terminal wearing a multi-layered monochromatic outfit all in the color cream:

This is the least flattering thing you could have done to yourself, and you have VPL. Aw, sweetie, next time.... No.

balls

Dear Dude who named this Food truck (cause you know this was a dude)

Gold star for most creative Food truck name.

troubador

Dear Dude playing his guitar & singing on a busy Hollywood street corner, like a true busker:

I admire your courage to play publicly, and its gotta be good training for dealing with unruly crowds, but I gotta say- in Hollywood, people just default to thinking your crazy when you do stuff like that. So, if you're hoping to get discovered, that's probably not the way to do it.....

fights

Dear Older Heavier Dude who is roaming the world wearing ratty capri pants:

Why do I feel like those pants have been the cause of many fights at home.....Cause no life partner worth their salt would let you outta the house like that.

licenced?

Dear Dude who left his dog in his car, and the dog then proceeded to do this:

Thanks for that- This made me laugh really hard at the light, and totally made my morning.

Oh and PS, your Dog is awesome.

bling

Dear lady (I assume it was a lady) driving the BMW 5-series that still had dealer plates on it:

You already clearly have more money then me, do you really need a blinged out license plate frame? I mean, pretend diamonds on your plates? Seems a bit much.

esteem

Dear Lady in the gym I overheard while getting ready to workout today:

I'm sorry you're such a mess, but hearing you talk about needing plastic surgery in order to accomplish a body type your boyfriend wants you to have, when you're in your FORTIES is just the most pitiful thing I've heard in a while.

Dear the 2 older ladies who were having this discussion with the above lady:

You're both awesome for telling this lady how it is, and that she shouldn't do this stuff just for a man. Your perspective on life is awesome, and I appreciate it, even if she blew you off politely.

music

Super flamboyant guy at the gym with super flamboyant club music playing over his headphones to another, quieter guy as they both sat on the chairs in the lobby:

"If you listen to this music, you'll lose 5 lbs a week. Guaranteed."

there are no words.

sheer

Dear Ladies of America- A general note:

If you've chosen to wear something that is sheer, but only in the "this fabric couldn't be made any thicker" way ( as opposed to the "won't it be cool to layer this up with something else" way) Don't wear something super bright under it.

For example, a long sleeve white shirt with a fuschia bra under it.

Or, as I saw yesterday, a light knit sweater with a bright blue sports bra tank under it. This was not a wise choice for what seemed to be casual business attire.

Either go sheer, or wear the right undergarment (flesh toned bra seems to work well in most instances). 'Cause the other options just look like you have no mirror at home.

flinging

Dear Dude running in Hollywood, with an arm flinging style that reminds me of a 5 yr old in the playground:

I would bash on this, except the smile on your face indicated you were having a TON of fun running this way, so instead I applaud it.

You go with your arm flinging self, Sir.

kneesocks

Dear Lady in the locker room at the gym, who is CLEARLY in her mid to late 30s:

Ok, look, this might sound kind of mean, but really, you need to hear this- you are TOO old to carry the knee socks, loafers, and pleated skirt look. pretty much anyone over 23, or not a playmate, should opt out of that look. Especially at work.

Really.

Let it go.

cracks

Dear Dude riding his bike down Highland Ave yesterday mid-morning:

While I admire you using your bike to get around and run errands or whatever, I'm gonna have to insist upon either better fitting pants, OR a belt. 'Cause Dude- 4 inches of a sweaty ass crack is NEVER a good look.

NEVER.

pride

Dear Proud Parent:

Best

Bumper Sticker

EVER

traffic

Dear everyone participating in Friday traffic jam throughout Hollywood:

Last minute lane changes and using blinkers for one direction, then going the other makes you a bunch of ass hats. As a group. All of you.

skinny

Dear Lady who has an enviable, and probably, negative level of body fat (we'll call her skinny bitch) who was running towards me on teh bike path this morning:

Your running form is such a disaster, you honestly made me feel like a strong and gorgeous woman. Skinny ain't strong, and I'll take being strong any day. So, thanks for your flailing legs and chicken wing arm position- They made my morning.

underwear

Dear Dude pushing his shopping cart house up a main Blvd in Hollywood in his underwear:

You look like you're working pretty hard, getting warm and it is pretty warm outside today, so I'm not gonna judge the lack of pants. I do wonder why you still have a jacket on though.

excess

Dear Dude who is long gone from the elevator by the time I got on it:

If I can smell that much cologne on the elevator and you're gone, then you are probably killing people slowly when you're actually around them.

New year, new dosage- try like 4 less sprays to start.