tied off

Dear Dude walking a Super prissy fluffy dog, and cleaning up the mess left behind by said dog:

Thanks for cleaning up, good job there, but could you tie off the bag? Otherwise you have an open bag of shit in the waste bin, and everyone who passes by gets to deal with that. I swear you won't get any on you by doing it. You can even use the only 2 fingers you currently are using to hold the bag.

You have the right dog though, that's pretty clear.

sensual

Dear Film school D-bag setting up a shot in my buildings courtyard:

Saying your "project has a lot of SENSUAL tension" does not make you sound like a legit director, or artist, or intellectual.

It makes you sound like a film school D-bag who has no friggin clue what he's talking about and will make life hell for anyone who hires him.

So, at least it's honest.

dressy

Dear Skinny Dude going for a run in knee length basketball shorts:

I admire you getting out there and getting the run done, but I have to say- the oversized nature of those shorts make it kinda look like you're running in a dress. Seriously- NO one is gonna look at that and go- "Oh- nice legs". All your gonna get is "is that a.... no, it can't be.... wait, maybe...."

Try going a couple sizes down.

Just a thought.

cream

Dear lady at the airport terminal wearing a multi-layered monochromatic outfit all in the color cream:

This is the least flattering thing you could have done to yourself, and you have VPL. Aw, sweetie, next time.... No.