grammar

Dear Dude who decided to put this sign on the back of his truck:

( it reads: MONKEY'S

With There Monkey Business May Follow)

Do you have something against proof reading? Does it offend you in some way?

'Cause you really needed to do it before you committed to this.

Really.

clips.... again

Dear Lady running her little heart out on the bike path, while still going slower then most people can walk, with FOUR hair clips in her hair, in a line down the center of her head, none of which were actually holding any of her hair back:

I admire your tenacity with the running, but we may want to take another look on how to use those hair clips, cause something seems..... off.

clips

Dear older Dude standing on the corner of the street and the bike path (which is HEAVILY trafficked by walkers/ runners/riders on a given weekend morning) while clipping his finger nails:

I .... just don't.... understand.....

Is your bathroom the only unsuitable bathroom for nail clipping on the planet?

apologies

Hey all

Sorry for the slim pickins here for a while. Life got busy, I got bad at remembering my notes to the people of the world, etc etc etc, excuse excuse.

Feel free to comment away and berate me for slacking.

I shall continue to slack for a little while longer, due to scheduling of life stuff. I hope to bring you holiday cheer with my "Dear you people" moments once we hit December.

Until then, I'll do what i can, but mainly, I'll just slack some more.

-me

fashion

Dear Dudes everywhere-

There is something you need to know. The super big shorts that are long enough to hang past your knees with sport socks pulled up tight to mid-calf look is not a good one.

It makes you look fat.

There I said it.

It's a harsh, truth, but someone had to say it.

This has been going on too long.

nods

Dear Dude on the elevator, reading the new flash screen we have in there (its like a little news title page thing that updates every few seconds) and nodding at one of the stories, before realizing I was looking his way- also reading the screen:

Yeah, I saw that.

yeah, I passed judgement on you as a result.

I'm not proud of it, but neither are you it seems.

tow

Dear Dude driving the tow truck through 2 very definitively red lights:

This is NOT how to get more business. Trust me.

jerk

Dear Dude who decided he was entirely the wrong lane and merged over 2 lanes in a 100 ft distance, in the rain, in bad traffic:

Jerk.

shaggy

Dear Dude I drove past who is clearly growing out his insanely curly hair:

You've hit the awkward Muppet-y stage. Hang in there.... it has the slight chance of getting better eventually.

wisdom

Dear Dude walking down the street with a chick, with his Beiber style hipster hair and his deep V neck undershirt casual wear:

This hipster look doesn't work when your out of shape and have Man-boobs, or Moobs. Find something that works better.

Not to mention you appear to be in your late 30's- so really, hipster probably a unwise choice, regardless.

itchy

Dear Dude in the navy track pants standing on the corner waiting for the light to change while adjusting/ scratching/ rearranging his package:

Ew

turning

Dear Dude who felt the need to change lanes OUT of the turn lane, to then turn right:

I think we need to review what a turn lane is, you D-bag.

throw

Dear 2 Dudes playing a game of catch in the street I use as a bypass on my way home:

Several things are wrong here-

1- you are 20ft away from a really major, heavily trafficked road

2- you're both in flip flops

3- you are both REALLY bad at throwing a football

4- when the throw went awry, you actually CHASED it down into traffic

5- you're both in your late 20s.

So I really need to add this all up for you?

'Cause I'm not gonna. You're on your own.

smelly

Dear Dude in the office who wears a very distinctive level of cologne:

If I know you're here despite being totally unable to visually find you anywhere in the office- you have too much cologne on; And I did that twice this morning with you.

Twice.

Meaning you walked by again and renewed the level of pungency after it had finally faded.

Please

I beg of you

Stop the olfactory madness.

free range

Dear Lady in the brand new Jaguar, who had not 1, not 2, BUT 3 chihuahuas running loose in her car, one of which was sitting directly in her lap between her and the steering wheel, looking up at her adoringly:

This is a bad idea on so many levels, I just don't even know where to start.

I know where it ends though- your dogs flying through the air every time you stop short.

Flying Chihuahuas is not where evolution wants us to go.

trends

Dear teenage Dude riding his skateboard home from school (or whatever post-school mayhem you've gotten up to ) while wearing Crocs:

You really don't know which trend to follow do you?

cleaning

Dear Dude in traffic, on a major thoroughfare, at rush hour, driving maybe 45 mph, in the middle of a pack of cars:

Now is not the time to vigorously clean the inside of your windshield.

I promise you, it can wait.

safety

Dear Dude driving the Corolla in front of me with 2 kids in the backseat, but obviously not paying attention to either one:

I'm not a parent, so I don't know for sure- but this REALLY doesn't look like it's complying with the child seat safety laws.

You might want to check your rear view once in a while.

blue stripe

Dear Dude with some hardcore tattoos, some truly heavy metal hair, and chain smoking a cigarette in his car during my commute home:

No matter how bad ass you look physically, a new white mustang with baby blue racing stripes is just NOT hardcore.

Ever.

Sorry.

Totally ruining the effect.

quandry

Dear America-

I need your help in understanding some things- things that the teen generation, and early 20's too, seem to have taken on as things that are cool. I just don't understand why they would ever be considered a good idea, so I plead to you to explain it to me so I can understand.

These things are:

1- plastic nerd style glasses frames worn with NO lenses in them, purely for effect. Just something that sits on your face, taking up space and looking like you don't understand what glasses are for.

2-bubble hem shorts- basically short-shorts that hit your upper thigh with a tight band, causing the fabric of the short to 'bubble' out in between the waist and the leg band. Making your ass and upper thigh (the widest part of women anyway) look even bigger.

So, America, you got some thing to help me understand all this? 'Cause I saw a lot of both of these things over the weekend, and I just don't get it.

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

Seaweed

what if

Dear Mother in line behind me at the airport, trying to talk her kid into doing something because if she doesn't do it, she might regret it:

Explaining the complexities of "what if" to an 7 year old, might be asking a bit much of your time in LAX, in the pre board line. I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's not the age people start thinking about life's regrets.

mulit-task

Dear 2 Dudes working the valet stand at a local bar, working their phones, talking to each other, AND staring at a girl in a car that was waiting for the light to change:

Nice multi tasking there fellas, now if only you could actually accomplish something....

gnarly

Dear Little old Lady in the locker room at the gym:

We've talked before about all your noises- the burps, the groans, the heavy sighs- but since nothing has changed, I felt the need to address it again.

See, the "so old you can do what you want" thing only works if your unaware you're doing it. If you're totally aware and do it anyway, it's just nasty. It's even more nasty if your there for an hour and half eating your lunch AND making noises. Farts and apples is not a charming combo.

It's a LOCKER ROOM. Eat somewhere else. Make your nasty noises somewhere else. Just Go Home.

kitty

Dear Mushroom Haircut Dude who was seemingly traveling with his cat through Hollywood..... with the cat tied to the top of one of his suitcases:

What

the

F?

(yes, thats a Siamese cat sitting on a suitcase in front of a Popeye's... with no one looking at it but me..... yes, this is a terrible idea.)

bagel

Dear Tiny Squirrel Dude carrying a full size bagel across the road:

I admire your tenacity

and thats pretty cute

rage

Dear DJ Impacto who apparently works a "joe job" in my building:

Best

DJ

Name

EVER

sweat

Dear Lady in the courtyard yesterday during lunch hour, sitting smack in the sun, no shade at all:

It is LITERALLY 100 degrees out- jeans tucked into knee high boots and a layered long sleeve shirt seemed like the right wardrobe choice this morning? Really? Maybe, just maybe, watching the news before you leave for work would be a good idea once in a while.

on ramp

Dear Lady doing her exercise walk, which entails walking through and intersection that is composed of a large freeway onramp:

You might want to at least look over your shoulder before entering the onramp area, because you are a tiny lady who is hard to see, and I am in a big old car with a green light to go, and I almost ran you over. Looking before you enter a traffic zone just seems like a good idea.

bounce

Dear Lady nursing some sort of ankle injury, and yet still wearing heels (wedges at least) and a SKIN TIGHT black tank dress to accentuate the assets that modern medicine has been able to provide her:

When you have a limp (as I do now, so I know of what I speak) skin tight is NEVER a good option. The elevated shoes only make your limp more pronounced. The level of bounce provided by your uneven gait in combination with the shoes moves things from sexy to awkward. You might want to look into wardrobe a bit less.... slutty until your foot is better.

professional

Dear Dude driving the clearly marked work vehicle, while smoking a nice joint, in front of me in traffic this morning:

Very professional.

Dear rest of the LA area:

If you use Prime Master for your appliance repair needs, and a red Element pulls up- you may want to have some cheetos handy for the guy. He'll probably want munchies before he leaves.

space

Dear Lady who works down the hall from me, and entered the bathroom right after me this afternoon (I held the door for her and everything):

There are like 10 empty stalls in here- WHY do you have to use the one directly next to me?

It's just weird.

kick

Dear 14/15 yr old Dude sitting in the middle seat, next to me, on the plane, who brought nothing to entertain himself, so he felt it was ok to look over my shoulder as I worked a word puzzle, or changed songs on my iPod, then (while goofing with his skateboard) kicked me directly in the ankle joint that was recently sprained and still painful, Oh, and as we Landed, pointed out the window on my other side- successfully put his pointing finger directly in my face- 3 TIMES:

You are a self absorbed prick of a teenager and I hope you fall off your crap ass skateboard, sprain your ankle badly, and someone immediately kicks it, really hard.

And then someone else laughs at your pain.

And your hair is terrible.

plates

Dear Dude/Lady who decided on the specialty plates for the company delivery vehicles:

Pure Genius- well done

formal

On my drive in this morning I saw custom plates that read "MSSCRPT" and "MRTSHRT":

Why so formal?

zoot

Dear Dude in the full rig of zoot suit with shoes & Fedora hat, standing at a stoplight in Hollywood:

The iPod headphone cord running out of your jacket is kind of ruining the effect. I'm just saying.

ankle

Dear Dude in the elevator who responded to my sprained ankle and crutches with "it'll never be the same again, it never really heals":

You are a Douchebag.

swingin'

Dear whoever decided that it's not worth buying a bench swing when you can just hang the bench you already have off the tree with ropes and some elbow grease:

Genius.

radiator

Dear Lady driving down 6th street with the entire front end of her car missing:

Your radiator is showing.

bones

Dear Lady in the locker room who is so skinny I can see each vertebra in your spine, and every rib you have, and moving as slow as a sloth:

Generations of italian mothers in my lineage make me want to cook for you and force you to eat it. Like a good baked ziti with extra cheese. I don't even know how to make that, but I want to.

Seriously, if you're moving that slow, you need some food in you.

It's not normal.

pause

Dear Dude in the SUV stopped to let people cross the road:

it's a nice gesture, but there's no one behind you- if you just kept going, you'd accomplish the same thing, without blocking the view of the pedestrians.

I'm just sayin'.

jungle

Dear group of tourists waiting to start their day of checking out the Hollywood sights, while wearing safari vests and carrying back packs:

This is LA, not the jungle. You can pretty much take all you need in one bag. We have everything else available along the way. You don't need like medical supplies and stuff. The 20 pockets on your vest- not really gonna use them.

Just trying to be helpful.

discussion

Dear Dude bent down on the sidewalk in the rain, talking to his bulldog:

I'm glad I'm not the only crazy dog person out there.

pointing

Dear all of us (myself included) at the Baja Fresh, ordering by pointing to the giant sign above and behind the people at the register:

They can't see that, just use your words.

Dumb.

moments

Dear Lady who had the locker 3 over from me at the gym:

I know it's tight quarters in here, and you want to get back to work, but do you think you could ask me to move AFTER I have finished putting my leg in my pants? 'Cause mid way through and I can't help you.

sparkle

Dear Lady in Target wearing a black T-shirt with "Teagen's Mom" written on it in blue sparkles:

This shirt lets me learn more about you then just your kid's name.

blaring

Dear Dude & Lady driving around Los Angeles with a megaphone hanging out their passenger window, pronouncing how Jesus loves everyone, or something to that effect:

Do you Honestly think that someone is walking up the street thinking, "how does Jesus really feel about me?" or "I wish I knew there really was a greater power up there" and suddenly you drive by screaming like a banshee and that person's life is different? Really?

'Cause I would wager chances are slim of that happening, and you are forcing the rest of us to listen to your shrieking thru that blasted thing on our way home from work.

I would also wager, Jesus not a fan of making that many people mad all at once.

walkers

Dear anyone who has ever participated in an organized 5k event:

The organizers generally divide the starts up into 2 groups- runners & walkers- with 2 different start times. There is a reason for that- walkers ruin the pace of runners, and runners can trip into walkers. It would seem that there is some confusion as to who is a walker and who is a runner- as evidenced by the massive amounts of walkers who rushed the start line at my last event.

If you plan on walking more then 50% of the event- you are a walker, and should start in the second group.

If you plan on walking after a slight jog over the start line- you are a walker and should start in the second group.

If you could be a valid contestant for The Biggest Loser- you are a walker and should start in the second group.

You will still get to accomplish something, and cross the finish line, you are just going to make life easier on the runners by giving them some space to do their thing.

Walkers, please back up and let the runners go first.

I beg of you.

actions

Dear 2 Ladies sitting on the bench directly behind me in the locker room at the gym, discussing how actions speak louder then words, and talking about something doesn't matter as much as doing- for like 5 straight minutes:

That.

That RIGHT there.

That is why guys get frustrated.

Because you're talking about not talking so much.

That's crazy.

You're making us all look bad.

side

Dear Everyone on the road with me:

The fact that there is construction on a side road that is effectively an alley is the reason why my commute home is now 25 minutes longer? Really? Can't we just drive past it and leave it be?

I hate you all right now.

space

Dear Lady in the elevator lobby area with me this morning:

I know I look extra cute today, but seeing as how we are the only 2 people in this vast space, you don't really need to be 3 ft away from me, staring at me as we wait for the elevator. Really. You can back up some.

Oh, and while I have you, You also don't need to stand even closer to me while on the elevator. We're only going like 3 floors, it won't take long. I think you'll be ok a few steps back. If you start to die or something, I promise I will get closer. Until then though, let's give each other space to gather our thoughts as we start the day.

OK?

Ok.

Thanks.

general note

An open letter to Dudes everywhere:

If people can smell your cologne on the elevator 2 floors after you get off- you are wearing too much of it.

If people can smell your cologne 30 seconds after you walk past them on the street, you are wearing too much of it.

If people can smell your cologne so strongly it makes them feel like they are tasting it, you are wearing too much of it.

If people can smell your cologne while standing 20 ft away from you, you are wearing too much of it.

Oh- and cologne is NOT a replacement for deodorant, EVER.

Please, take note and apply this new knowledge.

The community as a whole will like you better.

sporty

Dear Dudes in the gym:

I'm not sure if this was made clear enough but polo shirts are NOT workout gear. They are 'sporty casual' wear for when you do things like meet your girlfriends parents, or go to the company picnic. Please STOP wearing them to workout in.

It's just weird.

I mean it.

Stop.

odd couple

Dear Dude walking a Full grown Doberman AND a full grown Yorkie together:

That is one odd pairing, but I kinda love it.

make-out

Dear Couple at the corner of La Brea and Melrose mid-day yesterday, decked out in exercise gear, playing a wicked game of Sucky-Face-Grab-Ass while waiting for the light to change:

There is a level of ass grabbing that is not meant for the outside world- you crossed that line a LONG time ago. This is just getting clinical.

mohawk

Dear Dude a few rows down, who had a shaved version of a mohawk (sides shaved down lower then center line- all of it pretty short):

The thinning area of hair in the Friar Tuck center region in combination with the mohawk just makes your head look like a semi-colon.

tandem

Dear the 2 full grown adult Dudes riding the same bicycle, one on the handle bars, in the middle of a regular lane of traffic during evening rush hour in Hollywood:

I realize you guys are probably totally high or something, and that I'm about to sound like your mother, but-

This is only asking for trouble. No good can come of it.

staring

Dear Noisy Old Lady in the locker room who felt the need to stop and watch me put make-up on as I got ready to go back to work after the lunch workout today:

That's creepy.

Please stop.

And yes, readers, I wear makeup.

Kinda.

compact

Dear Dude who put his Ford Explorer into a compact spot in the parking lot this morning:

Your car is not compact. You essentially took up 2 spots.

Asshat.

suckage

Dear Dude sucking on his teeth in line behind me at the postal desk, waiting while I pay off my stuff, just sucking and picking, and sucking his damn teeth really loud for like 2 full minutes without pause:

That's disgusting, and loud, and I hate you.

brakes

Dear asian Lady feeding the horrible stereotype by riding the brakes for NO reason, and slowing down an entire line of cars behind you, on a long open road:

you suck for a BUNCH of reasons.

handsy

Dear Dude using the Mulholland overlook as a public display area for rubbing his female companion's mid section with his eyes closed, while cars are trying to actually get home from work, without their eyes being scorched from landing on this display and wanting to pretend it never happened (the couple was less then attractive, and she was not pregnant, making the belly rub all the more bizarre):

STOP! I beg you, stop!

for many reasons- most importantly, that is not something you do out on the side of the road.

jiggle

Dear Skinny Bitch* in the gym who looked at my running clothes with disdain as I stepped onto the treadmill, prepped for my speed intervals: (yes the clothes include unforgiving spandex shorts- they making running with correct body position easier. Honestly)

Look, I know I have some lumpy jiggly bits, and a sizable booty - but no amount of running, eating well and being perfect would ever get rid of it all- it's how I'm built. These things do not prevent me from being able to run for long distances, or quickly. This is why your patronizing offer of "very impressive! You did great!" after my workout was not appreciated. The tone was a little TOO surprised by what I had done.

I will thank you for making me mad though. Anger is good motivation.

And At least I broke a sweat with my workout, your speed walk isn't even mussing your hair. Wuss.

*you can be skinny and not a bitch- i know quite a few of those- but this chick was definitely both.

floppy ears

Dear really muscly-big Dude walking a 3-legged Pug (whose gait was just as floppy eared and adorable as you picture) down a side road in Hollywood this morning:

You are Hero of the Day for taking good care of your special needs pup.

hand

Dear Dude blocking traffic by making a SLOW and deliberate U-turn:

Doing this while holding your hand up like a traffic cop from inside your car doesn't make it any better. You're still an ass.

elevator

Dear Dude on got on the elevator same time as me in the parking garage today, whom i have never seen before in my life, and proceeded to stand in the middle, facing me, when we were the only 2 people on there- then made a polite enough comment, which I in turn politely replied to- followed that all up with continuing to stand there, facing me (as I desperately did not make eye contact), until we arrived at his floor:

That is creepy as hell. Don't do that again.

trust

Dear Dude who thought it was a good plan to put a freestanding ATM directly outside a pot dispensary:

That is trust, man.

flashy

Dear Lady who is most likely homeless, but walking the streets with her shopping cart full of goodies in a full formal gown, sparkly coat and a full blonde flowing wig:

Life may have put you down, but you never lost your sense of flair, and I appreciate that.

purse clutch

Dear tiny Lady walking down the street clutching your purse as though there are muggers around every corner:

Those are dog walkers- you're in one of the poshest areas in the country. Relax a bit.

window

Dear grey haired Dude in the grey Acura in front of me this morning, window open, arm hanging out, with a lit joint in his hand:

I am less then thrilled with the notion of the driver in front of me being in an altered state in the first place, but could you at LEAST be subtle about it? Arm all hanging out, smoke just flying by.... Shit, man, a little decorum.

can

Dear Lady sitting on the throne in the public bathroom at work, while chatting away on the phone as other people come in and out to do their business:

That is totally disgusting.

wind

Dear Dude doing his best Jersey Shore impression in his white Civic with the windows down:

Chicks dig hair that moves.

I'm just sayin'.

u-turn

Dear Dude in the Service truck waiting to make a left towards me as I waited to go through the intersection:

It is one thing to make a fast left on red, it is another thing entirely to make a slow purposeful U-turn on red towards 2 lanes of traffic. Slow enough that one person actually made it through the intersection around you before we realized what you were doing.

You almost killed a bunch of people in your huge ass van.

Where are the traffic cops when you need them?

boots

Dear super tall Lady with the knee high pink fuzzy boots, huge afro style hair, a purse shaped like a horse, and a really barely there miniskirt on the corner of Cahuenga and Sunset last night:

You totally live in the right city, and you are awesome on every level.

green

Dear Dude who felt the need to turn left out of a gas station 35 ft after a lighted intersection, blocking 2 lanes of traffic who just got a green light, with his desire to make a nearly impossible left turn at the high point of commuter traffic:

Douchebag.

halfway

Dear Dude in the fancy SUV who drove his car straddling the white (50/50 in each lane) for a block and half before turning on his signal and committing to the lane change:

Your timing is off, and you can't drive for shit.

unexpected

Dear Dude with the neck and face tattoos behind me in traffic this morning:

The fact that you are driving a CRV with a stuffed Snoopy hanging from the rear view mirror is both unexpected and delightful. Thank you.

cup

Dear Dude in the Black SUV in front of my during my commute home last night:

Um, you seem to have a soda cup (with top and straw intact) under your windshield wiper arm. You might want to grab that outta there before it starts raining harder then it already is. I just don't see that window getting all that clear that way.

lanes

Dear Lady who decided to change lanes from left to right, when both lanes were at an almost complete standstill, and no where near any side roads which would be a reason to turn off from the congested main road:

You've gotten nowhere, and you just made a terrible commute worse by blocking both lanes for an extra 5 minutes. Congratulations.

rhinestones

Dear Lady in the black civic with the rhinestone license plate cover:

That is prissy as hell. Damn you for contributing to the stereotype.

wash

Dear Lady who just left the public washroom in our office building, after using the toilet, but without washing her hands:

Nasty.

histamine

Dear Dude who invented Benadryl:

Thank you for a drug that really helps when the allergies attack, but does it really need to make me feel like just staying upright and not falling asleep at my desk is an accomplishment? Cause if I'm gonna be this sleepy, I might as well stay home and..... nappppppppppp zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

crunch

Dear Dude driving around with almost all of his rear quarter panel pushing up into his trunk:

Ouch.

smile

Dear remarkably old Dude walking his circuit around the neighborhood by himself and smiling, enjoying being able to walk and the beauty of the morning (or so I decided anyway):

Thanks for reminding me to just enjoy life once in a while. I forget sometimes, and I shouldn't.

cranky

Dear Lady at mile 7 of the 1/2 marathon who was speed walking the entire thing and was yelling at the official van driving up the route "get off the road!":

Um, the van is trying to take a hurt person off the road, maybe you should just sorta relax a little and move 4 ft to the right to get outta the way. It seriously will NOT affect your time, I promise.

numbers

Dear Dude in the white 4-door compact something driving 20 MPH in a 35 MPH zone that most people drive at 40 MPH minimally, causing nearly 3 accidents in the 5 minutes I was behind or next to you on the road:

You are gonna get someone killed.

You suck.

side note

Dear Dude who has been my friend since the dawn of time, and who occasionally listens to me when I tell him things he doesn't want to hear, and always has my back, even from across the country:

Happy Birthday.

flip-flops

Dear Lady in the locker room who was explaining how her "really cute" NAME BRAND flip-flops (yes, they have overpriced name brand plastic flip flops that cost upwards of $40) were only for showering at the gym, despite being super cute, then proceeded to pull out full sized bottles of every product known to man to shower with- AT THE GYM- in a handy carrying basket:

You have a nice job, you make good money, we get it.

Regardless of that, paying more then $5 for completely plastic flip-slops makes you an idiot.

ray gun

Dear Dude who repainted his Isuzu Trooper to look like some spaceship/ray gun situation I got to see on my way home last night:

I wanted to bash you and your car, but as I spent more time driving beside you and saw the detail and everything, I kinda fell in love with it.

this was the best picture I could get given the lighting and the fact that I was actively driving at the time. but at least you can see a little bit of what they did.

rail

Dear Dude on the metro rail, second to last train on a Saturday night, who felt the need to mention to his cohort, repeatedly, that he doesn't like driving much, because he likes to drink a lot, and he keeps getting DUIs and having accidents:

Good call.

Especially since we were in Silver Lake-ish and you apparently live in Tarzana (about a 25-30 mile difference).

Seriously, good call. Now, get some help.

gates

Dear Dude who lives on a major road, with his family and 2 dogs in a lovely home:

You might want to make sure your front gate is closed before you let the dogs out.

They run into the road and almost get hit by my car.

Idiot.

bluetooth

Dear Entire Family walking around Hollywood tourist zone with Bluetooth earsets in their ears:

Who is going to call you? You are all here together.

spider

Dear Dude dressed up as Spiderman for the tourists at Hollywood Blvd.- one of 2 on this particular day, this guy was standing on top of newspaper boxes and calling out "who wants a picture with spiderman? you know you want one":

Sir, you are one creepy ass superhero and I want you to get away from me.

toes

Dear Lady walking through the courtyard of our building, wearing a filmy/short skirt and some open toe high heel sandals, during one of the worst rainstorms in LA in the past 10 years:

I'm thinking the wardrobe choice was maybe not so good this morning.

rain

Dear Dudes and Ladies of the Greater Los Angeles area:

It rains here every year, around the same time. If you do not understand the basic principles of driving in the rain, please ask a friend who comes from a different state. They will happily explain it. That way, next year, when this happens again, we will not have so many of these problems.

Thank you.

polo

Dear Dude at the gym wearing a sleeveless Polo shirt (golf shirt?) to work out in:

Blech. Not a good look.

timid

Dear Super Timid Driver (gender undetermined) who drove a good 10 MPH under the limit in a commuter traveled residential area, hit the brakes anytime someone was waiting on a side street, and didn't read the 'no left turn' signs until after sitting in the middle of the intersection for a good minute:

Clearly you don't know what you're doing, but you MUST know that making a U-Turn 30 feet from a really busy and lighted intersection 3 point turn style is a good way to get yourself killed. I'm glad I saw it in my rearview mirror.

You scare me.

fun

Dear Dude driving Black corvette with plates that read WWEEEEE:

Awesome.

parallel

Dear Dude parallel parking his 4 door sedan on a busy hollywood street at night, getting his car within INCHES of the car behind him- stopping it like a professional- and making the entire thing happen in 2 swift, clean moves:

You are my hero.

urine

Dear Homeless Dude, peeing on the sidewalk on Highland on my way to work this morning:

I appreciate you don't really have a bathroom to use, and how hard that must be, but could you at least turn and use the side of the building to disguise what you are doing instead of just stopping where you are and whipping it out? I mean, it's kinda funny and all, but probably not the smartest thing in the world.

stacked

Dear Lady in the stacked tennis shoes out front of the florist on my route to work:

Just the act of wearing sneaker like shoes does not mean you, or your legs, are in good enough shape to be wear cheek length running shorts.

In fact, those shoes have 2 inch stacked soles (and are NOT the special butt toning kind, I checked) that make it virtually impossible to do anything that would elevate the heart rate to fat burning levels.

Please, do yourself a kindness and get some different shorts. And some actual exercise. The entire world will appreciate it.

space

Dear Lady 2 lockers down from me in the locker room:

I understand that we are cramped in here, and that we are probably a few lockers closer together then we'd like. Here's what's not helping the situation- You.

You have everything you own spread out all over the floor and the bench, to the point where it is in front of my locker. When I mention this, do you move it? No, you slide yourself to be behind me, instead of next to, but keep the same amount of distance- making the set up now VERY creepy.

Then you wander to the showers- with all your crap still spread out. When you come back, and, shockingly, I still need to get to my locker, do you slide your stuff over that time? Nope, just continue to stand 9 inches behind me as I try to get dressed. With your shoes under my locker door. And your towels on the bench directly behind me. I ended up with a square foot available to me to get dressed and ready to get back to work after my trainer kicking my ass for an hour.

I am filled with venom for you. You should be glad my mother raised me right, or your shit woulda ended up in the steam room.

and I would have laughed.

You suck ass and I hate you.

spikes

Dear Lady at the gym who had, unironically, the Kate Gosselin haircut- spikes in the back and all:

No.

Just, No.

regular

Dear regulars (Dudes and Ladies alike) at the gym during lunch hour:

I appreciate the head nods of "welcome back" and "happy new year" I received today, despite the fact that none of us ever actually talk to each other. I soon expect to share the disgruntled sighs of "can you believe all these new years resolutioners taking up all the machines!" shortly.

Until then: *nods head with slight grin*

odorous

Dear Lady, probably in her mid 60's, walking on the bike path on her cell phone (screaming "what?!"), headed towards me during my run:

If I can run past you, and smell your perfume strongly for a good 30 feet outdoors, on a day with a slight breeze, when I have allergies and can barely smell anything- you have on TOO much perfume.

Way too much.

Ease off.

Someone is gonna get hurt.

chips

Welcome Back- Happy New Year!!

Dear 15 year old overly processed blonde girl sitting in the passenger seat of a car in the parking lot:

Texting, checking your lip gloss, picking at your hair and eating Doritos out of the (biggest size) bag while waiting for someone to do something and come back to the car- this is NOT multi-tasking. It's just a way to get Doritos dust all over everything.