safety

Dear Dude driving the Corolla in front of me with 2 kids in the backseat, but obviously not paying attention to either one:

I'm not a parent, so I don't know for sure- but this REALLY doesn't look like it's complying with the child seat safety laws.

You might want to check your rear view once in a while.

blue stripe

Dear Dude with some hardcore tattoos, some truly heavy metal hair, and chain smoking a cigarette in his car during my commute home:

No matter how bad ass you look physically, a new white mustang with baby blue racing stripes is just NOT hardcore.

Ever.

Sorry.

Totally ruining the effect.

quandry

Dear America-

I need your help in understanding some things- things that the teen generation, and early 20's too, seem to have taken on as things that are cool. I just don't understand why they would ever be considered a good idea, so I plead to you to explain it to me so I can understand.

These things are:

1- plastic nerd style glasses frames worn with NO lenses in them, purely for effect. Just something that sits on your face, taking up space and looking like you don't understand what glasses are for.

2-bubble hem shorts- basically short-shorts that hit your upper thigh with a tight band, causing the fabric of the short to 'bubble' out in between the waist and the leg band. Making your ass and upper thigh (the widest part of women anyway) look even bigger.

So, America, you got some thing to help me understand all this? 'Cause I saw a lot of both of these things over the weekend, and I just don't get it.

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

Seaweed

what if

Dear Mother in line behind me at the airport, trying to talk her kid into doing something because if she doesn't do it, she might regret it:

Explaining the complexities of "what if" to an 7 year old, might be asking a bit much of your time in LAX, in the pre board line. I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's not the age people start thinking about life's regrets.

mulit-task

Dear 2 Dudes working the valet stand at a local bar, working their phones, talking to each other, AND staring at a girl in a car that was waiting for the light to change:

Nice multi tasking there fellas, now if only you could actually accomplish something....

gnarly

Dear Little old Lady in the locker room at the gym:

We've talked before about all your noises- the burps, the groans, the heavy sighs- but since nothing has changed, I felt the need to address it again.

See, the "so old you can do what you want" thing only works if your unaware you're doing it. If you're totally aware and do it anyway, it's just nasty. It's even more nasty if your there for an hour and half eating your lunch AND making noises. Farts and apples is not a charming combo.

It's a LOCKER ROOM. Eat somewhere else. Make your nasty noises somewhere else. Just Go Home.