gates

Dear Dude who lives on a major road, with his family and 2 dogs in a lovely home:

You might want to make sure your front gate is closed before you let the dogs out.

They run into the road and almost get hit by my car.

Idiot.

bluetooth

Dear Entire Family walking around Hollywood tourist zone with Bluetooth earsets in their ears:

Who is going to call you? You are all here together.

spider

Dear Dude dressed up as Spiderman for the tourists at Hollywood Blvd.- one of 2 on this particular day, this guy was standing on top of newspaper boxes and calling out "who wants a picture with spiderman? you know you want one":

Sir, you are one creepy ass superhero and I want you to get away from me.

toes

Dear Lady walking through the courtyard of our building, wearing a filmy/short skirt and some open toe high heel sandals, during one of the worst rainstorms in LA in the past 10 years:

I'm thinking the wardrobe choice was maybe not so good this morning.

rain

Dear Dudes and Ladies of the Greater Los Angeles area:

It rains here every year, around the same time. If you do not understand the basic principles of driving in the rain, please ask a friend who comes from a different state. They will happily explain it. That way, next year, when this happens again, we will not have so many of these problems.

Thank you.

polo

Dear Dude at the gym wearing a sleeveless Polo shirt (golf shirt?) to work out in:

Blech. Not a good look.

timid

Dear Super Timid Driver (gender undetermined) who drove a good 10 MPH under the limit in a commuter traveled residential area, hit the brakes anytime someone was waiting on a side street, and didn't read the 'no left turn' signs until after sitting in the middle of the intersection for a good minute:

Clearly you don't know what you're doing, but you MUST know that making a U-Turn 30 feet from a really busy and lighted intersection 3 point turn style is a good way to get yourself killed. I'm glad I saw it in my rearview mirror.

You scare me.

fun

Dear Dude driving Black corvette with plates that read WWEEEEE:

Awesome.

parallel

Dear Dude parallel parking his 4 door sedan on a busy hollywood street at night, getting his car within INCHES of the car behind him- stopping it like a professional- and making the entire thing happen in 2 swift, clean moves:

You are my hero.

urine

Dear Homeless Dude, peeing on the sidewalk on Highland on my way to work this morning:

I appreciate you don't really have a bathroom to use, and how hard that must be, but could you at least turn and use the side of the building to disguise what you are doing instead of just stopping where you are and whipping it out? I mean, it's kinda funny and all, but probably not the smartest thing in the world.

stacked

Dear Lady in the stacked tennis shoes out front of the florist on my route to work:

Just the act of wearing sneaker like shoes does not mean you, or your legs, are in good enough shape to be wear cheek length running shorts.

In fact, those shoes have 2 inch stacked soles (and are NOT the special butt toning kind, I checked) that make it virtually impossible to do anything that would elevate the heart rate to fat burning levels.

Please, do yourself a kindness and get some different shorts. And some actual exercise. The entire world will appreciate it.

space

Dear Lady 2 lockers down from me in the locker room:

I understand that we are cramped in here, and that we are probably a few lockers closer together then we'd like. Here's what's not helping the situation- You.

You have everything you own spread out all over the floor and the bench, to the point where it is in front of my locker. When I mention this, do you move it? No, you slide yourself to be behind me, instead of next to, but keep the same amount of distance- making the set up now VERY creepy.

Then you wander to the showers- with all your crap still spread out. When you come back, and, shockingly, I still need to get to my locker, do you slide your stuff over that time? Nope, just continue to stand 9 inches behind me as I try to get dressed. With your shoes under my locker door. And your towels on the bench directly behind me. I ended up with a square foot available to me to get dressed and ready to get back to work after my trainer kicking my ass for an hour.

I am filled with venom for you. You should be glad my mother raised me right, or your shit woulda ended up in the steam room.

and I would have laughed.

You suck ass and I hate you.

spikes

Dear Lady at the gym who had, unironically, the Kate Gosselin haircut- spikes in the back and all:

No.

Just, No.

regular

Dear regulars (Dudes and Ladies alike) at the gym during lunch hour:

I appreciate the head nods of "welcome back" and "happy new year" I received today, despite the fact that none of us ever actually talk to each other. I soon expect to share the disgruntled sighs of "can you believe all these new years resolutioners taking up all the machines!" shortly.

Until then: *nods head with slight grin*

odorous

Dear Lady, probably in her mid 60's, walking on the bike path on her cell phone (screaming "what?!"), headed towards me during my run:

If I can run past you, and smell your perfume strongly for a good 30 feet outdoors, on a day with a slight breeze, when I have allergies and can barely smell anything- you have on TOO much perfume.

Way too much.

Ease off.

Someone is gonna get hurt.

chips

Welcome Back- Happy New Year!!

Dear 15 year old overly processed blonde girl sitting in the passenger seat of a car in the parking lot:

Texting, checking your lip gloss, picking at your hair and eating Doritos out of the (biggest size) bag while waiting for someone to do something and come back to the car- this is NOT multi-tasking. It's just a way to get Doritos dust all over everything.