rants

Dear Dude who decided he was the section cheer Leader for the LA Galaxy Superfan (or whatever) section at the game, and lead them all in potentially ethnically motivated chants against the other team:

Poor form.

bench

Dear older Lady at the gym who takes up an entire bench in the locker room with her bag of stuff, while sitting somewhere else doing FULL face and hair:

You suck.

garage

Dear Lady who got pulled over by a cop on the ramp down to our parking garage, letting all her co-workers see on their way in:

oooohhhhh You're in trouubbblllle

68

Dear Dude with the Frank Zappa Sideburns, combed out fro, lazy shuffle to his walk and sly logo shirt that was purposely aged to look vintage:

What worked in '68 does NOT work now.

Not all looks are timeless.

Take a shower.

walk

Dear Lady doing the afterwork walk "Working Girl" style in professional wear and sneakers:

The thing you're holding- That's a dog. It's probably the reason your out here walking. You can go ahead and put it down. They're made to do this stuff. It'll be ok.

frying pan

Dear Dude in the Gold Saturn:

The speed you are driving makes me want to smack you in the face with a frying pan, cartoon style.

register

Dear Target "lady" who had more makeup on then the section of the store provided, what I'm kinda hoping was a wig (albeit a higher quality one), and one of the oddest jawlines on a woman ever:

Subtlety is not so bad at 9am on a Tuesday. You might want to consider it. And good luck with your future surgical endeavors. 

tail

Dear older Dude with the (embellished/decorated) rat tail that's grown so long it was hitting the fold of your elbow:

Although I admire the tenacity it must have taken to grow that thing for like 20 years, I still want to grab it and hack it off with a rusty knife.

u scream

Dear Dude carrying an entire box of ice cream cones:

I don't know where you're headed, but can I come?

D's grandma

Dear Lady who always made me laugh and taught me what I wanted to be when I grew up- a fun loving crazy person who never stopped enjoying life:

You will be missed.

soccer pt 2

Dear Chicky who started the cross generational Smack talk in the bleachers against one of the "grown up"s:

Well done. 

soccer

Dear Dude one row behind me at the Galaxy game, and who apparently mistook me for one of the players on his daughter's AYSO team, (if the leaning over and yelling in my ear "watch the sweep, watch it" is any indicator):

Thank you

And screw you

hair

Dear Chicky (too young for lady) with hair grown long enough to hit the backs of your knees- about 10 inches longer then your skirt:

The Crystal Gayle look went out about 15 years before you were born- get a trim.

student film

Dear Lady who was being shot for what looked like a student film on Hollywood Blvd in wardrobe that looked like it was picked by Dexy's Midnight Runners:

Good job finding your light, and good job dealing with the overalls. That can't be easy.

spooky

Dear Dude walking down the long creepy hallway behind me as I proceed from one office to the other, with a drink in his hand:

The loud thud of each step mixed with the gasp after every sip of your drink just makes you sound like an oddly dehydrated villain in a bad horror flick.

BioDiesel

Dear Dude so proud of his veggie Bio Diesel engine that he has a website, and a sticker on his back window telling everyone about it:

Your argument would be more convincing if your muffler wasn't held up by weather stripping. I'm just sayin'. 

drive

Dear Lady who didn't even flinch, let alone slow down, when rolling bouncing road debris headed straight for her car, just hit it straight on: You drive pretty bad-ass for someone in a pastel green VW bug.

cars

Dear Dude in the white Sentra who ran 2 red lights (by making left hand turns) in 8 blocks in front of me last night: You are an ass. You deserve bad things like job loss and IRS audits. I hate you.

AND/OR

Dear Dude in the black Escalade who decided to make a left hand turn from the middle lane with no indicator light or warning almost causing a 6 car pile up: You are an ass. You deserve bad things like job loss and IRS audits. I hate you.

plane

Dear Dude one seat in front of me on the plane: If I can smell your cologne from here, you're wearing too much. Way. Too. Much.

And it begins

So, this started a while ago, and I hadn't done much with it until now, so here is the archive of all the Dear Dude or Dear Lady Entries from the past.

Look for new entries soon.

6/4/09- Dear 'dude' walking down Melrose last night: leather pants that look like the cow was sick before it died, and cowboy boots so worn they look more like elf shoes, with a bandana under your hat is NOT Rock & roll, it's just Dirty & skeevy.

 

6/10/09- Dear Dude standing/waiting at the light on Olive this morning: Just because everyone around you is in cars does NOT mean we can't see you doing a massive crotch adjust for like 20 seconds. Wait until you get inside for that. I beg of you. Because seeing that was horrifying, and made me wonder how that didn't hurt a little.

 

6/18/09- Dear 4 dudes in a Nissan Versa all in v-neck white t-shirts, oversized girly sunglasses, precisely manicured 5 o'clock shadow facial hair, carefully placed and product controlled 'just woke up' hair, grooving/head bobbing (simultaneously) to euro-synth club music, FULL volume at 10:30am in burbank: Really?

 

6/23/09- Dear Dude who delegated sign making/ hanging at his lamp store: the sign should NOT read "rod iron lightings & tables". That's not right.

 

6/25/09- Dear i-sincerely-hope-you're-not-a-dude in the Barbie Pink Acura with a UNICORN sticker on the back window: You frighten me. A lot.

 

6/29/09- overheard at the gym- Manager (MG) giving tour to prospective member (PM)== PM: why are the locks on the lockers, and not have people bring padlocks? MG: This is the more Upscale Way of doing things. Me: (silently, in awe) wow.

 

7/14/09- Dear Dude driving the Starline tours truck, and the FOUR other cars who all tried to hit me on the way in this morning: F you all you F-ers- look before you change lanes. F-ers.

 

7/15/09- (changing it up a little) Dear Lady walking her cat on a leash on the corner of Hollywood/ highland this morning: Stop that- the cat looks beyond terrified! And fat. That is one fat cat.

 

7/18/09- Dear Dudes and Ladies who ran for a cause this morning: well done. (not my usual, but totally deserved)

 

7/21/09- Dear Lady in the Gym locker room who feels the need to, at full volume, complain about having only lost 7 of the 10 lbs she gained, all while having a figure most of us would kill for: I may have to jump over these lockers and kill you. Nothing personal.

 

7/27/09- Dear Mini-Dude on the 3 hour early morning (and delayed) flight from Austin who taught me about gratitude: Your play by play announcements of the entire flight is one of the reasons people invented noise canceling headphones, for which I am grateful. Thank you headphone inventors for keeping me from smacking small children.

 

7/29/09- Dear White Dude with dreads down to the backs of his knees, who I saw walking in Hollywood tonight: The beer gut is really making the look. Really. Stick with that plan.

 

8/1/09- Dear Dude driving the 5series BMW in front of me thru Potomac: you have a precision engine. Driving it that slow is just criminal. I'm gonna have to take that.

 

8/3/09- Dear French Dude in the airport: France can't hear you from here, there's no need to be so loud. Seriously, take it down a notch.