shaggy

Dear Dude I drove past who is clearly growing out his insanely curly hair:

You've hit the awkward Muppet-y stage. Hang in there.... it has the slight chance of getting better eventually.

wisdom

Dear Dude walking down the street with a chick, with his Beiber style hipster hair and his deep V neck undershirt casual wear:

This hipster look doesn't work when your out of shape and have Man-boobs, or Moobs. Find something that works better.

Not to mention you appear to be in your late 30's- so really, hipster probably a unwise choice, regardless.

itchy

Dear Dude in the navy track pants standing on the corner waiting for the light to change while adjusting/ scratching/ rearranging his package:

Ew

turning

Dear Dude who felt the need to change lanes OUT of the turn lane, to then turn right:

I think we need to review what a turn lane is, you D-bag.

throw

Dear 2 Dudes playing a game of catch in the street I use as a bypass on my way home:

Several things are wrong here-

1- you are 20ft away from a really major, heavily trafficked road

2- you're both in flip flops

3- you are both REALLY bad at throwing a football

4- when the throw went awry, you actually CHASED it down into traffic

5- you're both in your late 20s.

So I really need to add this all up for you?

'Cause I'm not gonna. You're on your own.

smelly

Dear Dude in the office who wears a very distinctive level of cologne:

If I know you're here despite being totally unable to visually find you anywhere in the office- you have too much cologne on; And I did that twice this morning with you.

Twice.

Meaning you walked by again and renewed the level of pungency after it had finally faded.

Please

I beg of you

Stop the olfactory madness.

free range

Dear Lady in the brand new Jaguar, who had not 1, not 2, BUT 3 chihuahuas running loose in her car, one of which was sitting directly in her lap between her and the steering wheel, looking up at her adoringly:

This is a bad idea on so many levels, I just don't even know where to start.

I know where it ends though- your dogs flying through the air every time you stop short.

Flying Chihuahuas is not where evolution wants us to go.

trends

Dear teenage Dude riding his skateboard home from school (or whatever post-school mayhem you've gotten up to ) while wearing Crocs:

You really don't know which trend to follow do you?

cleaning

Dear Dude in traffic, on a major thoroughfare, at rush hour, driving maybe 45 mph, in the middle of a pack of cars:

Now is not the time to vigorously clean the inside of your windshield.

I promise you, it can wait.

safety

Dear Dude driving the Corolla in front of me with 2 kids in the backseat, but obviously not paying attention to either one:

I'm not a parent, so I don't know for sure- but this REALLY doesn't look like it's complying with the child seat safety laws.

You might want to check your rear view once in a while.

blue stripe

Dear Dude with some hardcore tattoos, some truly heavy metal hair, and chain smoking a cigarette in his car during my commute home:

No matter how bad ass you look physically, a new white mustang with baby blue racing stripes is just NOT hardcore.

Ever.

Sorry.

Totally ruining the effect.

quandry

Dear America-

I need your help in understanding some things- things that the teen generation, and early 20's too, seem to have taken on as things that are cool. I just don't understand why they would ever be considered a good idea, so I plead to you to explain it to me so I can understand.

These things are:

1- plastic nerd style glasses frames worn with NO lenses in them, purely for effect. Just something that sits on your face, taking up space and looking like you don't understand what glasses are for.

2-bubble hem shorts- basically short-shorts that hit your upper thigh with a tight band, causing the fabric of the short to 'bubble' out in between the waist and the leg band. Making your ass and upper thigh (the widest part of women anyway) look even bigger.

So, America, you got some thing to help me understand all this? 'Cause I saw a lot of both of these things over the weekend, and I just don't get it.

I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

Seaweed

what if

Dear Mother in line behind me at the airport, trying to talk her kid into doing something because if she doesn't do it, she might regret it:

Explaining the complexities of "what if" to an 7 year old, might be asking a bit much of your time in LAX, in the pre board line. I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's not the age people start thinking about life's regrets.

mulit-task

Dear 2 Dudes working the valet stand at a local bar, working their phones, talking to each other, AND staring at a girl in a car that was waiting for the light to change:

Nice multi tasking there fellas, now if only you could actually accomplish something....

gnarly

Dear Little old Lady in the locker room at the gym:

We've talked before about all your noises- the burps, the groans, the heavy sighs- but since nothing has changed, I felt the need to address it again.

See, the "so old you can do what you want" thing only works if your unaware you're doing it. If you're totally aware and do it anyway, it's just nasty. It's even more nasty if your there for an hour and half eating your lunch AND making noises. Farts and apples is not a charming combo.

It's a LOCKER ROOM. Eat somewhere else. Make your nasty noises somewhere else. Just Go Home.