clown

Dear 17 year old Dude who mocked his girlfriend's manner of speech by clownishly imitating the way she had said something:

If you want to get some from her, ever, Don't. Do. That.

smoke

Dear Lady/2 Dudes standing by side of road with a sign that read "we're FUCKED please help" :

You get points for creativity, but it still sorta looks like any money you get is smoked, snorted or injected, so I have to say No to that one.

wrong side

Dear Lady who drove a white jeep in front of me in traffic today, only with the driver on the wrong side of the car- you know, for being in America and all:

You totally messed with my head for like a half mile.

warning

Dear Whoever it is who has to write the warning labels on household products to make sure people don't do something stupid and die, IE the hot coffee carafe/container that warns you (among other things) to not hold said item above someone else's head- for fear you will drop it on them:

I'm sorry your job is making it harder for natural selection to do it's job.

I'm also sorry your job requires you to figure out what's the most idiotic thing a person could do with any given item and then warn them not to do it- cause that sounds really boring.

staring

Dear 3 store employees who gathered together (during a busy time, with a LOT of other customers nearby) to stare at a girl in a WAY too short skirt. Blatantly:

Subtlety is clearly not in the employee handbook, but it's still a good idea. Especially when I, a woman, can HEAR you and your really lame comments.

groovy

Dear Lady who found a way to totally groove out at a concert, with out knocking into everyone around her:

Good use of space.

robe

Dear older Dude who stands on his front stoop in his bathrobe and critically watches the landscaping guys take care of his lawn once a week, as if he's concerned they are going to steal something:

relax dude- they're just mowing the lawn

and, really, put on some pants.

sweet

Dear whoever was driving the Mini Cooper with the plates the read PXAPNCH:

You get my award for most awesome license plate ever

creepy

Dear Dude with the Die Hard villain hair who kept looking around him really slowly and pointedly:

Your

Creepy

cell phone

Dear Lady standing behind me at the ATM on her cell phone:

Any conversation that involves the statement "So I'm laying on the bench, and he's got the plastic gloves on..." should not be had, loudly, in a public forum. For instance- while on line for the ATM. That's NOT the time to talk about that. 

Just a tip.

(although I did kinda want to hear what happened next, I have to admit)

shoes

Dear Dude working the shoe dept. in Sports Authority, who, after getting in the way about 5 times and staring at women who said they didn't need any help, started hitting on one (very good looking, granted) lucky lady with lines like "well, if I was running from you, I'd want the worst shoes so you could catch me":

Don't do that.

Really, besides being really unprofessional, it is just flat out creepy.

Very, very creepy.

glam

Dear Lady (i sincerely hope) who drives the gold HHR with the plates "GLAMWGN":

I have seen you on both my evening and morning commute in the same section of road. That's weird.

cross

Dear Dude who made it halfway across the intersection, then turned back, then literally spun in a circle reading street signs, then stood for 2 minutes looking very contemplative, then crossed the street again- making it all the way this time- then stood on the opposite corner looking confused:

Dude

Whats, uh, going on there?

leaving home

Dear Ladies in the Locker room at my gym:

You're not at home. It's nice you're all comfortable in your own skin and stuff, but you are NOT in your home. That means there is a certain level of personal hygiene you should not be practicing here- you do that at home. Which is not where you are now. So, maybe, you could think about that fact that I (or someone else) is 8 feet away from you and your naked self while you are doing that, and maybe not do it. I'm pretty sure that if you're going to this gym you can afford a home that has a bathroom in it. You could go ahead and do that there. 

Because it is unsettling that you are doing it here.

Please?