harumph

Dear Lady in the locker room shower area at the gym:

Whatever you did must have been WAY too hard for you, since it seems like every time you move ANY part of your body you need to breathe heavily with a slight groan. I'm just in here trying to be presentable to go back to work, but you sound like just the act of walking is SOOO HARD. Maybe we should tone down the workout? Orrrr.... more likely, kick it up a notch, as walking should not be this labored.

choices

Dear Dude driving the BRIGHT orange Porsche Carrera:

Seriously?

A classy car like that and you decided to go Crayola with it?

Ugh.

creativity

Dear Dude and Lady- married couple- who decided to get into a fight during the "fun" ceramics class they decided to take together:

Nothing helps an environment be enjoyable and relaxing quite like 2 people throwing child-like hissy fits and giving silent treatments...

oh wait

I'm wrong. You're ruining everything.

The stern hushed arguing at the edge of the room... That's not helping either.

The 2 other married couples in the class have each taken turns thanking their spouses for not behaving that way, so maybe this is a weird form of marriage counseling?

Either way, it's not making my bowls less crooked, so can you just go home to fight it out?

sense

Dear Dude who is driving around with a totally crushed in back end and just cut me off in traffic:

It all makes sense to me. It should to you as well.

The one begets the other

Stupid choices begets a barely drivable car.

Just food for thought

D- bag

bonus

Dear very well built dude who gave me the "hey baby"grin and head nod not once , but twice, while I was at the gym today:

Hi there.

How you doin?

You must work out a lot cause you look like you do.

That's a nice smile you have too. But you know that. You must know that.

Oh, yeah, I'm married. Happily. Gratefully. No-chance-of-changing-that-ully.

But thanks, you just turned my day around. See ya around the gym.

danger

Dear Lady "walking" her dog by using roller blades:

Your dog appears to be maybe 5 months old, and a lab. You have taken a giant trusting leap by letting him control your speed and direction like this. Chances are very good he will veer off course in a rapid manner and kill you both.

Meanwhile, it looks like fun.

mascara

Dear Lady in the theatre restroom talking to her (probably) 11 yr old grand daughter about her Mascara... the 11 yr old's mascara..... The 11 yr old was WEARING MASCARA. On a THURSDAY NIGHT. Going to see a play about being accepted for who you are, AS YOU ARE.

Right, sorry, back on track

Dear Lady talking to her granddaughter about mascara-

Teasing her by saying her mascara is running, which chances are slim she even really understands what that means, and laughing when she panics about it is going to turn her into the kind of person who can't go the mailbox without makeup on.

When that day comes, and you wonder why she's like that when she's such a pretty girl- Look back on this day, and know you did it. Yep, all your fault. Way to go grandma, hope the giggle was worth it.

nope

Dear Everyone-

Here is a list of things NOT to say to someone who has done a dramatic hair change since you last saw them:

-"Wow. Why'd you do that?"

-"OH, you did it like (another person you both know)- that's nice"

-"Didn't want to do the rest of it?"

-"Thats different."

-"wow. Interesting. I'm surprised you did that"

-"so i figured we'd just- HOLY CRAP WHAT'D YOU DO TO YOUR HEAD?"

All of these mean "Holy Shit! You've lost your mind" which is just your opinion.

If you can't say something supportive, just pretend you didn't notice.

Although, how you didn't notice such a drastic change also makes you look like a total idiot, so it's kind of a lose- lose situation.

hair

Dear ladies in my life who I appreciate and love-

As we get older, if you get a grandma haircut, I'm gonna call you out on it.

Seriously.

I will not allow that shit.

Dear ladies in my life who do not fit this column-

Go ahead, cut your hair into a helmet like style that doesn't move ever.

It looks good on you.

make up

Dear Lady who is doing makeup in her car, AND picking a zit on her face during rush hour traffic:

You are a total mess, and need to spend more time in the bathroom mirror AT HOME.

And don't pick

you'll get a scar

Seriously

Stop it

tequila

Dear everyone who wasn't with me when this happened- I'm so sorry:

man walking his young kid in a stroller-

kid- I wanna go there (pointing)

dad- You like tequila bars?

kid- Yeah.

blitz

Dear middle Aged Dude in short sleeve dress shirt and glasses, driving a family style Ford Excursion, Blasting "Ballroom Blitz":

Rock On Dad.

Rock On.

slow the roll

Dear Dude riding his breaks while driving down a hill with no one in front of him:

The bike next to you is going faster- relax.

And get out of my way, I understand gravity, and do not fear it.

Idiot.

pecs

Dear Dude, strutting the "I've got big muscles" strut thru the gym wearing an epically sleeveless shirt:

First of all, when there's so little on the side of your shirt that its more of a tiny poncho, you might as well just not wear one.

Second of all, go ahead, take that shirt off..... you are one of the few people allowed. Because Sir, you have EARNED that strut with those pecs and abs....

I'm just sayin'.

yet

Dear Dude wearing the "i'm not Dead yet" Shirt in the gym the other day:

A more appropriate shirt has never been worn to a gym, ever.