scratchy

Dear hairy chest Dude sitting on the bench outside my office building at lunch today:

To start with a half buttoned shirt, and add to it a slow circular caressing of your man-boob area while on the phone is a recipe for a lot of queasy passerby. Seriously- either button it up so I can't wonder if you're wearing a toupee on your chest, or stop touching yourself. Whichever you do, it's gotta be better then what I just walked past.

overdue

Dear Dude driving the out of state Mazda:

You REALLY might want to check your registration... it seems just a smidge overdue.... Like 8 year or so.

How the hell have you been getting away with that one for so long?

smoke

Dear Lady rollerblading on the bike path at 6:45am:

Full on Smokey eye make up?

Really?

You got up extra early to do that before you went out to exercise?

There was NO better way to spend your time in the predawn hours?

like sleeping, or eating, or ANYTHING else....

You make me hate my own gender, just a little.

tied off

Dear Dude walking a Super prissy fluffy dog, and cleaning up the mess left behind by said dog:

Thanks for cleaning up, good job there, but could you tie off the bag? Otherwise you have an open bag of shit in the waste bin, and everyone who passes by gets to deal with that. I swear you won't get any on you by doing it. You can even use the only 2 fingers you currently are using to hold the bag.

You have the right dog though, that's pretty clear.

sensual

Dear Film school D-bag setting up a shot in my buildings courtyard:

Saying your "project has a lot of SENSUAL tension" does not make you sound like a legit director, or artist, or intellectual.

It makes you sound like a film school D-bag who has no friggin clue what he's talking about and will make life hell for anyone who hires him.

So, at least it's honest.

dressy

Dear Skinny Dude going for a run in knee length basketball shorts:

I admire you getting out there and getting the run done, but I have to say- the oversized nature of those shorts make it kinda look like you're running in a dress. Seriously- NO one is gonna look at that and go- "Oh- nice legs". All your gonna get is "is that a.... no, it can't be.... wait, maybe...."

Try going a couple sizes down.

Just a thought.

cream

Dear lady at the airport terminal wearing a multi-layered monochromatic outfit all in the color cream:

This is the least flattering thing you could have done to yourself, and you have VPL. Aw, sweetie, next time.... No.

balls

Dear Dude who named this Food truck (cause you know this was a dude)

Gold star for most creative Food truck name.

troubador

Dear Dude playing his guitar & singing on a busy Hollywood street corner, like a true busker:

I admire your courage to play publicly, and its gotta be good training for dealing with unruly crowds, but I gotta say- in Hollywood, people just default to thinking your crazy when you do stuff like that. So, if you're hoping to get discovered, that's probably not the way to do it.....

fights

Dear Older Heavier Dude who is roaming the world wearing ratty capri pants:

Why do I feel like those pants have been the cause of many fights at home.....Cause no life partner worth their salt would let you outta the house like that.

licenced?

Dear Dude who left his dog in his car, and the dog then proceeded to do this:

Thanks for that- This made me laugh really hard at the light, and totally made my morning.

Oh and PS, your Dog is awesome.

bling

Dear lady (I assume it was a lady) driving the BMW 5-series that still had dealer plates on it:

You already clearly have more money then me, do you really need a blinged out license plate frame? I mean, pretend diamonds on your plates? Seems a bit much.

esteem

Dear Lady in the gym I overheard while getting ready to workout today:

I'm sorry you're such a mess, but hearing you talk about needing plastic surgery in order to accomplish a body type your boyfriend wants you to have, when you're in your FORTIES is just the most pitiful thing I've heard in a while.

Dear the 2 older ladies who were having this discussion with the above lady:

You're both awesome for telling this lady how it is, and that she shouldn't do this stuff just for a man. Your perspective on life is awesome, and I appreciate it, even if she blew you off politely.

music

Super flamboyant guy at the gym with super flamboyant club music playing over his headphones to another, quieter guy as they both sat on the chairs in the lobby:

"If you listen to this music, you'll lose 5 lbs a week. Guaranteed."

there are no words.

sheer

Dear Ladies of America- A general note:

If you've chosen to wear something that is sheer, but only in the "this fabric couldn't be made any thicker" way ( as opposed to the "won't it be cool to layer this up with something else" way) Don't wear something super bright under it.

For example, a long sleeve white shirt with a fuschia bra under it.

Or, as I saw yesterday, a light knit sweater with a bright blue sports bra tank under it. This was not a wise choice for what seemed to be casual business attire.

Either go sheer, or wear the right undergarment (flesh toned bra seems to work well in most instances). 'Cause the other options just look like you have no mirror at home.