Dear Dude/Lady

12/19/12

wet

Dear Neighbor Lady Rinsing off her car on her driveway as I leave the house to walk the dogs at 6:20 am:

Um, I'm all for washing your car and stuff, but it's currently raining.
Like- I have a hat and a raincoat on, and one of my dogs is freaking out- Raining.
When the water is falling from the sky, there's not a lot of need to also crack out the hose.
it seems counter-productive. And wasteful. and just plan weird.

12/18/12

privacy

Dear Dude in the newly shared kitchen space at work:

You are speaking chinese on your phone, and I am white girl with purple hair, you REALLY don't need to move across the room to get more privacy when I come in to fill my water cup.
Honestly, chances of me speaking chinese AND caring about what your saying..... pretty much Zero.
Relax dude.

11/28/12

smooth

Dear Ladies in the locker room at my gym.... again......:

I understand that we are using this locker room to shower up after a workout, and therefore you will want to do things that you would do at home in your own bathroom. I think we all need to agree that some of these things should ONLY happen at home in your own bathroom. They should not be done in a semi public place where other people have to bear witness.

For example lotioning your entire body

Including your ass

ALL of your ass.

I really, really, really can not express to you how much I did not need to know that people do that, much less witness it. Please, just save that one for more private moments.

Private moments with your private parts. I don't think it's too much to ask.

thank you

11/26/12

slow groove

Dear Lady doing a slow groove to the generic adult contemporary tunes on the take out line in the restaurant:

The level of swaying you're doing makes me think things about you that I would wager you're not intending. You might want to realize whats going on around you just a smidge more......

Oh and, BTW, tapping your foot along with a Kenny Loggins tune just seems a bit much.

11/6/12

literacy

Dear 2 Dudes and 1 Lady standing in the back of a restaurant waiting to be seated:

There is a sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU with very large bold writing on it explaining that you need to go to the OTHER side of the restaurant to be seated.

Like seriously DEAD in front of you

Maybe a foot away.

You'll have to stop yakking long enough to look around, which is seems like could take a half hour at the rate your going.

When that time does come I hope you feel stupid. 'Cause you are being stupid right now.

11/1/12

halloween

Dear World-

I feel the need to inform you I finally found the most disturbing halloween costume ever. Granted, someone else had created it, but I saw it, took note and am reporting it, so therefore I get the credit.

This grown man was wearing a full rabbit suit (with giant head), with a robotic baby in a sling across his chest- baby was facing him. The robo-baby kicked and swung it's head around while the rabbit's mouth grazed it's head. Sorta like the Rabbit was gonna eat it's own human baby.

Picture it

No, really, think about it and conjure up a picture.

And the next 3 nights when you can't sleep due to not being able to shake that picture- that's my fault.

Sorry. I just couldn't be alone with it.

Happy Halloween,

me

9/26/12

sigghhhhhh......

Dear Lady in the rest room who clearly isn't having the best day:

In the amount of time it took me to wash my hands, I heard you sigh HEAVILY 4 times. It is 10:45 am. We work at jobs where we make cartoons. It just CAN'T be that bad.

Or just a day off.

'Cause the Automatic towel dispenser is really not that upsetting. It just isn't.

9/17/12

signage

Um... guys......

8/9/12

touristy

Dear Ladies who are in the middle age and decide for vacation they're loosen up and wear capri pants (usually the wrong length) with white sneakers:

Please, PLEASE, make it stop.
I know you're on vacation- you know how? Because you're wearing the middle aged lady vacation outfit- more casual then slacks, but less revealing then shorts. Shoes that show you're willing to walk places.
Here's the truth- this situation makes you look heavier, older and less likely to do anything really fun or interesting while you're here.
Let's either brave the shorts, or go for a long skirt, shall we? break out of the mold ladies- Prove you're not a victim to societies judgements. Allow your legs to look their normal length and size. be Brave.

8/1/12

Snarks a lot

Dear Lady telemarketer who was super snarky with me after I listened and then declined the offer politely and civilly:

You suck. You make it so everyone hates people in your industry. Now, I'm going to be totally rude to the next person I mistakenly answer the phone for. I will now laugh loudly and hang up on them mid-sentence. You have done this to whoever that person is with your rudeness and inability to just accept your verbal fate after my declining your offer 5 times.

Way to go ass hat.

7/26/12

Cleveage

Dear Ladies Everywhere:

If you're breasts are larger then a modest B cup - ALWAYS use some sort of foundation garment. Always. If your top is SO low cut that you can't, then you do NOT wear that. Ever.
Quite frankly, no one wants to see cleavage that is so low and revealing that I can see your stomach thru your boobs.
That's not a good look, and makes your boobs look older- which seems weird, but its true. It's just nasty.

The moral here: Keep the girls up and supported where they belong, not where nature is taking them. You'll thank me.

6/25/12

bat-hybrid

Dear whomever was driving thru Burbank in this car:

I think i know your secret
You're totally Batman
And you're concerned with the environment.

I approve both of these things.
Continue on about your business.